Open Doors

There is only a little over a month left before we all end our journey at Miami and begin our new lives. This will be a new step into adulthood and part of me is thrilled and there is that other half that is terrified and not ready to give up my home here. I know that most of us will never stop being friends but things will still change. We will never be able to go back but we will look back and fondly remember who we were and the way we were.

So as for my personal open doors I have been struggling greatly trying to figure what is best for me and the future I desire. Basically it has to come down to money because I am already in 60 thousand dollars of debt and I can't afford to add much more. I am suppose to hear from Case's financial aid department this week and I'm really hoping its good news. The 15 grand Wash U is offering me is awesome but not if they aren't going to guarantee me my advanced standing. I was so exciting to get the chance to go there but that is just a deal breaker. I already feel kind of sick of school and there is no way I that I am going to stay in college for two years and pay 45 grand if I can go to Case from August to August and pay way less. The main point of doing this is so get my dream job and I will most likely be able to get a job at Cleveland Clinic or U.H. if I intern there in graduate school. I do want more of an adventure and I don't want to be distracted so hopefully Amanda and I can get a place together. With me in graduate school and her in nursing school we will be on similar schedules and yet we will be able to have tons of fun together. As of right now I feel that this is the ideal situation and I do have to be practical when making adult decisions. I am thinking that if Case offers me at least 10 grand I will take it without hesitation especially since they offer stipends. At this point in time I just can't afford to take a huge risk and Case potentially has more to offer me. I am looking forward to what the future has in store for me.

Although, I do still need to consider that Cleveland State is in the game because they could very well offer me the most money. I just have such an issue with that university...

Making Peace with Pieces

Everyday we change; I am not who I was yesterday and I am not quite you I will be tomorrow today. I often wonder if the pieces of who we used to be remain within us and connect us to the past. All the pieces of my life that are good and bad have made me who I am. I am grateful for my ability to get through the trying times and attempt to learn from them instead of letting them consume me the way many people do. Today a piece of my life that I try to make peace with was brought back into my life with a phone call from a life I don't live anymore. I was forced to think about my dog as my dog again...something I try not to do. She belongs to someone else, I'll always have the Madison that was mine and the best friend of my teen years but the Madison that exists now is separate from me. I realize its silly and childish that this has upset me so greatly but that dog got me through my teen years and I will always feel like I failed as a owner. I know there was nothing else I could have done and I gave her a great home but I still feel guilty and I still miss that silly little puppy. I miss my innocence. I miss those pieces of who I am that are not jaded. I wish I could let things go; I know that is probably my greatest flaw. I hold onto everything and even when I try to fool myself into believing that I am completely fine there are those days and moments that force me to realize that there will always be broken pieces of me that live inside of me. I suppose I should accept that sometimes I will just fall apart and be sad about the past. I hope I can make a difference in this life; a positive one. I hope I can do enough that my conscious feels clear...

Those Last 100 yards...

Back when I ran track and I was part of the 2 mile race, I would get really nervous before the race started but than somewhere within the miles I would get comfortable and feel in my element. I would stay focused but find the pace I needed to make it through. Than as the race would get closer to ending and I would turn that last corner and everyone would begin to cheer and push me to beat my time. I would gain a momentum that I did not even know I had and it would control my legs and before I even really understood, it would all be over. Now I'm in that stretch and everyone is cheering and reminding me that this is it. I feel a loss of control and time is pushing me forward but all I want to do is stop and look around and think about how it all started and the journey that got me to this finish line. I know that I can't just stop and hold on in these last weeks but I want to go out with a blast! I want these last weeks to be as great as all the wonderful weeks I had before.

It feels a lot better now that my future is somewhat clearer. But now I'm starting to picture the walls of this home empty and that moment where you turn around and say good bye. The kind of good bye that changes everything and you know that you can never really go back again. I suppose all in all I am ready and I will be OK, but it does not mean it will be easy.

So here is good bye to another home, more of a home than I have had in years, and good bye to a wonderful family, a family I will miss everyday. Here's to a journey that molded me and made me better and here is to a journey that I have yet to take.

Here we go; with less than two months remaining....