Haunted by the Past

I can't say that I'm feeling that upbeat today. Reading 80 pages about suicide and how to prevent it as a social worker is necessary but brings upon guilty feelings. It makes me desire some sincere comfort that I can't seem to find anywhere. I went to the cemetery yesterday....did a lot of crying.

I am desperately trying to get my mom's permission to get a puppy. I have been very sincerely and obsessed about this and I was not really sure why until recently. I think I'm still so upset with her that I do not have Madison and I feel like she owes me. I have had to do so much on my own....yet she still talks to me like I'm a child. I do not need to be reminded of the work I have to do. I go nonstop and I am not going to feel guilty when I take a break from all this chaos.

She was telling me the other day about how badly she wanted to buy me Madison because she knew when I was thirteen I really needed a dog but when I was 19 she did nothing to help me keep her. I had no other option and I had to lose something else extremely important to me. I have been doing the best I can to forgive and let go but I do not feel very forgiving tonight. I feel upset and I need some comfort but instead I have to sit here and read more about suicide....

Sometimes I love it here and sometimes I want to run away and not even look behind me...I guess that is what transition is all about.

Still Feeling Unusual

I know that no one can ever tell you how you will feel when things are changing and milestones pass by and you realize you really aren't a kid anymore...but I didn't expect to feel so strange. I'm not unhappy, in fact I really like how my life is playing out and I am enjoying myself, yet I just feel out of sorts. Something is not quite right and I cannot seem to put a finger on it. I really like Case, this social work program is more than I could have ever asked for and I love my placement so far; its a great improvement from my undergrad placement. Living with my family is so much better than I thought it could be. We are all getting along and my brother and I are closer than we have been in years and I cannot express in enough words how much that means to me. We really have done a lot of growing up in the last few years...or in my brother case, the last six or so months. I have also been taking better care of myself physically with my Wii Fit and a better diet with a lot more fruits and vegetables.

I ate mushrooms last weekend and I didn't totally dislike them...they could grow on me. I think next time I eat pizza I want to get mushrooms and red peppers.

Although sleep could be a huge factor in my strange feeling. I am just so busy...I am not getting enough Zzzzz. I do not have a single day off, between class, work, and placement, with the exception of every other Saturday and I will be spending those days getting caught up and ahead on reading and papers. My finances are great right now but I should be getting my stipend soon which will help. That could be a factor in my lack of sleep as well because I sit there worrying. My credit cards are almost maxed out and I only have one hundred dollars to my name...I've been letting myself stay in denial about it. Oh well...I'm twenty three and in grad school...I'm suppose to be broke, right?

Matt and I are doing pretty well. We have had a lot of ups and downs this summer but we are really trying to get through it. He is back on adderal which should really help since he will be able to hold a conversation again. Prior to this I constantly felt like I missed him even when he was around me because he wasn't the same person and I didn't know how to help. But things are looking up so I'm staying positive!

I just really wish my mom would let me have a puppy!!!!

Questions and Answers

I haven't really written anything in a while. I've been having trouble grasping time and planning out my path but things are starting to become much clearer. Despite the fact that my three day orientation into Case was exhausting and at times a little stressful, I got through it and a lot of questions were answered. I feel fairly prepared for what I am about to embark on and that is helping me stay calm. Although it is still very strange to me to be starting this program instead of going back to Miami this week. In a strange way I feel as if I am cheating on Miami...

On another note I did meet a lot of really great people this week and I can see myself forming some great friendships with a few of them. I think it will be very helpful to my career and myself to have social work friends that I can stay in contact with and that I can discuss matters that only they can really understand.

As for my living situation it has been going surprisingly well. I do know that once I really get knee deep in my master's program, like by the end of next week, I really need to start spending more time at the Caribou Coffee down the street. My family does not and cannot understand what I will be going through I need to remain focused. I also know that I cannot spend too much more time with my mom or we will start to have issues. A part of me does wish a little bit everyday I could get a place on my own but I know this is what I have to do for now. Once I start getting my stipend I will really be able to get a head and then by graduation time next year I will be in a good enough position to be on my own or with a roommate, if need be.

Things are really looking up and I feel quite elated!

Moving In!

So we received the keys earlier this evening and we are finally moving into the new house! I wish I didn't have to work in the morning so I could just continue it right when I wake up tomorrow but at least I only work until 1pm. I'm hoping I can get my bed set up tomorrow and maybe my mom and I can have the kitchen finished, with the exception of the refrigerator and stove since we still need to buy those. I also will not be able to have my room organized for a while since I have to get a dresser and a desk yet...

Oh well this is all very excited and I am so very proud of my mom!!! :)

Field Placement

Hospice was not what I originally thought of doing for my placement or my career but maybe somethings really are just destined to happen. It makes sense that I would find more comfort being surrounded by death and those that are dying being that death has been very real to me since the age of seven. I think this career path will allow me to have that clinical aspect joining a holistic mind, body and soul approach along with more compassion than I would have found at the Cleveland Clinic or Metro Health. It really is the best of both worlds for me and I hope if I like it as much as I think I will I can find a career in it after graduation. It is definitely comforting to know that all the money and plans, with the exception of scheduling classes, is all done with. My only other concern is preparing for my licensing exam and acquiring the money to pay for it. I wasn't too happy when I found out I had to take the exam but it will be kind of nice to be an official licensed social worker.

Rascal Flatts-Why

It must’ a been a place so dark, couldn’t feel the light
Reachin’ for you through that stormy cloud
Now here we are gathered in our little home town
This can’t be the way you meant to draw a crowd
Oh why that’s what I keep askin’
Was there anything I could have said or done
Oh I had no clue you were masking a troubled soul, god only knows
What went wrong and why you’d leave the stage in the middle of a song
Mmmmmmm
Now in my mind I keep you frozen as a seventeen year old
Rounding third to score the winning run
You always played with passion no matter what the game
When you took the stage you shined just like the sun
Oh why that’s what I keep askin’
Was there anything I could have said or done
Oh I had no clue you were masking the troubled soul, god only knows
What went wrong and why you’d leave the stage in the middle of a song
Yah yah yah
Now the oak trees are swayin’ in the early autumn breeze
The golden sun is shining on my face
The tangled thoughts I hear a mockingbird sing
This old world really ain’t that bad a place
Oh why there’s no comprehending
And who am I to try to judge or explain
Oh but I do have one burning question
Who told you life wasn’t worth the fight
They were wrong
They lied
And now you’re gone
And we cried
Cause It’s not like you to walk away in the middle of a song
Your beautiful song
Your absolutely beautiful song

It is as if this song was written for him...and I know it is sadly the story for many people but I do not believe I have ever had a song impact me so personally. I feel him and I get goosebumps every time I listen to it. I just miss him so much lately. I feel as though it is because I'm officially back home and now more than ever I know that he is truly gone; that everything has changed and life has gone on without him. I'm grateful for my tattoo but it forces me to face the truth constantly and I like that I think about him more than ever but it is not always an easy thing to do.

Tattoo

So the day is finally around the corner; I'm getting my tattoo tomorrow! I believe I will feel more complete and be more at peace once I have my tattoo. I really would have preferred to have had it done around the anniversary of Wil's death but at least it will be easier to take care of in the summer. I can't believe its already been four and a half years without Wil. I miss him everyday and now I can officially honor his life in a manner that is permanent and will stay with me everywhere I go. I can't even explain how much I think I need this and I'm so excited that its going to happen tomorrow!

I am also so happy that my family is coming with me. I am so lucky that I have a mom that thinks this is wonderful and wants to watch me get it. I really need to make sure I do not take my family for granted and perhaps this tattoo can even symbolize that.

No Longer Long Distance

So as the clock continues to tick and as I begin to get comfortable in my own skin again, my perspectives shifts in a positive direction. Matt is recovering quickly and his positive attitude is coming back. We are doing to much better than I had anticipated. The sooner this knee situation comes to an end the sooner he can get his life back on track and then we can get our life together back on track. I feel so hopeful about this. There are still a few doctor's appointments and physical therapy sessions remaining but in about six weeks he will probably be able to return to work and then in the fall he can go back to school. He amazes me everyday and I am so proud of the man that he is and is still trying to become. It is such a relief to finally, for the first time in my life, be part of a normal short distance relationship. I am grateful for many of the obstacles that we had to go through as a couple to become what we are but it is nice to know that when August hits I do not have to leave him anymore; that I can start to slow down a bit and enjoy each day.

I am also super excited for my Mom and I can't wait until we move in to the house! Secondly, I received my graduation/birthday present from Matt yesterday; yay for Wii!!!! The Wii Fit is also awesome and I hope I can stick with a exercise schedule!

All in all, life is good!

Adjusting to Transitions

I've been staying positive yet this has all been a lot harder than I could have anticipated. I am still struggling with trying to find where I fit back into all this now and trying to figure out who I am here. I am a changed person; changed for the better. And people have changed here as well.

Once I have a physical place to call home I hope that I will feel a stronger sense of belonging. For right now it is just too overwhelming to live in the spare room at Matt's parents house. My mom is getting close to putting a bid on the condo that we love and I really hope it all works out; not just for me but for her and my brother as well. As a family we really need some stability and I think this will be so good for us. My mom and I are getting along better than ever. I think we just see who we have become and how much we have both evolved. My mom has made her mistakes in the past but so have I; I was never the perfect daughter. She really does want to do what is best for both my brother and I and I think that things will turn out quite well.

I am also seeing that my friendships have changed, therefore I am learning where to go from here. I think Sarah and I are going to get closer again and I am truly grateful for that; she has a good heart. I am not sure what will happen for Meghan and I, everything really is different now. We are both trying but this is an obvious level of tension linger below the words we say. Amanda and I are just as we have always been and I could not be happier about her and my brother being back together. Besides my cousin Jenna, Amanda really is the closest I have ever had to having a sister since she really is pretty much a part of my family. It is as if she was always meant to be with us through it all. I just need to hit a point where I officially feel connected again.

Boo is handling this all very well. Although she is clingier with me than she has ever been before. She cuddles with me at night now and she follows me from room to room. At times she even pounds on the door when I take a shower because she wants/needs to be near me. When I first returned I had to leave the bathroom door open and she would just sit either outside the tub or on the side of the tub and cry for me to get out. Its very cute and funny but I hope that eventually she realizes that I am not going to leave her. Its really nice to be loved that much by her now. I feel needed and I think that I need that right now. Its strange how things really tend to work out as they are suppose to...

I like being back at Sherwin Williams but I do sort of wish I took some time off before I threw myself back into work again; unfortunately my finances did not allow such a vacation.

As for Case I already interviewed with my field placement advisor and he sent me three locations that I need to research and interview. Once Matt recovers a little more I think I will schedule those interviews so that I can place a check in that box. I am slightly annoyed that I cannot register for classes for a little while because now I am in my grace period for my loans and I need to register to continue deferment. I am also concerned with the fact that my medical insurance goes up on my birthday and I will not have insurance through Case until I start classes. There is a lot for me to figure out but I am slowly transitioning into this new life.

This is it

I thought I would feel so full of emotion and excited and this is one of the most amazing days of my life...but I just feel frozen. I feel like I am standing still and this is all just something that is happening to me instead of it being something that I did for myself. I do have a lot of emotion at times and I know I will, for a long time, feel proud and miss the life I built here but for right now I just feel like I can't even move. I can't even fathom what this all really means....

Really....?!?!

Fuck you Joe!!! You have no idea what it means to be a parent!

Changing

I'm standing tall.

I'm a better me.

I'm a stronger me.

I love harder.

I care more.

Wider focus.

People make life worth living.

Adult perspectives.

Holding onto what is real.

Yet still dreaming...

Bright future.

Appreciate today.

Appreciate life!

I really am going to be OK.

I am going to be great!

I guess I will just smile

So I'm not getting in trouble for getting caught with Boo! I'm pretty ecstatic about that. I have a lot to be happy about and a lot of appreciate right now...but the strange thing is I feel like crying. I can't tell if its sad tears, happy tears or just plan overwhelmed with emotion tears that want to come out. Generally, I know that I feel happy and loved so I think for now I will just smile. The worst of everything is over. I do have a few more assignments to do but nothing of real importance; I'm done. I'm really done. This is actually happening. I beat the odds on so many levels. I'm proving that a working class girl from a divorced family can go to college and graduate in the four years. And I've done just as well as everybody else. I've stepped over another stone that symbolizes that my story is not a sad one but a beautiful one. My future options are endless and the world is calling out to me now.

Just a few more items to check off my list of things I need to do and then that is that. So for now I will just smile because I know the tears will be coming soon enough.

What Now...?

So Boo is gone. I did what I was told to do, but what now? This son of a bitch has continued to ignore my email and has not contacted me in any other way. WTF. Am I going to court? Will I be fined? Is this over or is it just barely beginning? This is going to be my final days at Miami...really? I hate this. I realize I fucked up and fine I will pay the price for my mistake but let me do it now. This waiting and waiting is killing me. And now she is gone and leaving here is more real than ever. I don't like it here without her. I keep feeling like I forgot to feed her and she should be in my face reminding me right now. I know this is silly because I will see her shortly but I will never see her here again and that is what is making me feel strange. I feel sad and I want to but this is such a stupid thing to cry about.

What if they hold my diploma? What if I can't mail my final transcript to Case? What if my future is about to get fucked up because I had a cat in my apartment? My stomach hurts so much I can barely eat...

And to top it all off I got a not so great evaluation from my supervisor....fuck me!

Words

Words words words

Why must people speak to each other with such harsh words? Does it make them feel better? Does pain make them feel better? I am sorry if I sound ignorant but I do not understand how hurting someone else makes a person feel better. Whenever I have hurt someone I usually feel worse...but maybe I'm the one that has it wrong. I thought giving back to people and doing compassionate and consider things made one feel better; but maybe I'm the stupid one.

When they look down on me an speak to me like I'm just the stupid one I begin to feel like they are right; THEY ARE WRONG! Good luck getting through life making people feel small...that only lasts so long before people will not want to be around them anymore.

I don't let anyone else get away with talking to me like that; why do I let them? After years and years of verbal abuse from my father I left. I left and I never went back; estranged. Granted the physical abuse is what pushed me enough to open the door and walk out...yet those wounds have healed but the verbal and emotional abuse still lingers within me. Words, words, words....they alter who we are and who we become. I have overcome and I will not take those words anymore! I am stronger...I am a survivor of abuse! I will not be a victim anymore! Two weeks and then I go to the place where no one can get away with speaking to me as if I am inferior to them! I have stayed quiet for too long and now I'm done!

Words change everything...someday I hope they learn that before they push everyone away.

Love and Honor

Love and Honor may be used to Miami the institution but in reality we have love and honor for the memories and for those that became family. This is it...we are getting closer and closer to the day and we cannot ignore or escape it anymore. Everything we are that college made us is about to place us out in the world. Our bubble is about to burst and make room for those that will come to fill our places. Those that will make what we made here. I realize college isn't for everyone but it has made me who I am today and a part of me wishes everyone could do what I did here.

I am better than I was before I came here and my friendship are better than they were when I left. Even those that are a part of who I was in the past that have grown with me through the distance, we appreciate who we have become and are closer than ever before. I am hitting a point in my life where I value who I am and the decisions I have made and my regrets are minimal...and I think even I deserve this. I love better than I ever could before. I communicate in a manner that is more mature than it was four years ago. I am different; I am better.

I love what we did here. We grew up here and what we had here will never be comparable to anything else for the rest of our lives...

I know deep inside I am ready to move on from Miami but moving on from the life I made for myself here, my home, is another story. I will miss this; I will miss you.

I will look back and remember the best moments: jumping in the water fountain, climbing a tree on campus, meditating with a Buddhist monk, getting yelled at for bowling in the hall way, saving Boo, student manager pub crawls, sitting on the steps of Withrow Court with Gina and talking for hours, playing in the snow the day class was canceled, Roxy, Barn and Bunk, VIP Video, donating my hair, Relay for Life, FSWSO, bowling with Matt and Greg at Oxford Lanes and kicking their butts, the old Goggin, all the free gourmet food at work, the hours upon hours we have watched Friends in this apartment, the random conversations Icaria and I had when we lived together, the dining halls, the pretzels, the ice cream adventures, hide and seek in academic quad, the Princess, After Dark, Kings Island, Spamalot, Spring Break (ie New York City and Florida), cornstarch, Halloween...this list could go on and on and on so I will just end with the thought of the blackout and all the fun we had that night...

This place will always be a piece of who I am and I will never forget.

It's not enough to say that I miss you

I feel so untouched
And I want you so much
That I just can't resist you
It's not enough to say that I miss you
I feel so untouched right now
Need you so much somehow
I can't forget you
Been going crazy from the moment I met you

Decision Made

I have my final plan and that is such a relief. It is good to know that I am wanted and even though people, everyday, make me out to feel stupid and I have spent my life trying to prove many wrong and now I am successful. Case not only accepted me but they have offered me a great deal of money because they must want me. They must believe that I will represent them greatly. One of the finest schools and one of the top social work programs thinks I'm worth something. After the way I have been feeling lately I need that. Now when I am the punch line of the joke I can focus how I am worth something great and I will make an incredible difference in this world and for people I have yet to meet. I am going to continue to have the life I want; the life I have worked so hard for! I'm shooting for the stars now! I am going to go to Case with my thousands in scholarship and stipend money and I am going to get my dream job. I am going to save people in my profession and animals in my free time! I will not just survive but I am going to really live! After grad school I will never work a day in my life because I will love my career so much it will never be work! I will be a living cliche and love every minute of it! Now that my future is more concrete I truly feel like today is the beginning of the rest of my life!

Wow....I can't even explain just how great I feel right now!

Sunday- The Day of Lost Animals

Boo was found on a Sunday. I will never regret saving her; even when she is very mischievous. Yet, no matter how much I love this one cat, in general I will always be more of a dog person.

Ever since the loss of Hannah and the day I had to say goodbye to Madison there has been something missing, somewhat of a void. Boo does a fairly good job of keeping this in check for me but it never goes away. Maybe it is because I feel guilty that I had to give Madison away and I need to find away to clear my conscience. I am not quite sure how to explain it completely but I do know that the seventeen hours I had that stray dog, Roxy, in my possession I felt a little more complete. I know I did the right thing but it hurts...

Today is going to be a long day.

We saved a life but no good deed goes unpunished...

Fours!

Four jobs I have had in my life:
1. Shift Manager at Hollywood Video
2. Catering at Miami: Carillon and Marcum (Student Manager)
3. Subcontractor for SMV Painting
4. Sales Associate at Sherwin Williams

Four movies I've watched more than once:
1. Forrest Gump
2. Grease
3. Miss Congeniality
4. Ferris Bueller's Day Off

Four places I have lived:
1. Brook Park
2. Cleveland
3. Lakewood
4. Oxford

Four places I have been:
1. New York
2. Chicago
3. Baltimore
4. Tampa

Four Favorite drinks
1. Coke
2. Sweet Tea
3. Water
4. Chocolate Milk

People who email me regularly:
1. My Mom
2. Victoria's Secret
3. Border's
4. Chase Bank

Four of your favorite foods:
1. Steak
2. Ice Cream
3. Fettuccine Alfredo
4. Grapes

Four places I would rather be right now:
1. Disney World
2. Cleveland
3. NYC
4. Chicago

Four things I am looking forward to this year:
1. Graduating
2. Grad School
3. Summer
4. Get a puppy.....? A girl can dream!

Four TV shows that I watch:
1. How I Met Your Mother
2. Smallville
3. Dead Like Me
4. Paranormal State

Listening To: All American Rejects

Open Doors

There is only a little over a month left before we all end our journey at Miami and begin our new lives. This will be a new step into adulthood and part of me is thrilled and there is that other half that is terrified and not ready to give up my home here. I know that most of us will never stop being friends but things will still change. We will never be able to go back but we will look back and fondly remember who we were and the way we were.

So as for my personal open doors I have been struggling greatly trying to figure what is best for me and the future I desire. Basically it has to come down to money because I am already in 60 thousand dollars of debt and I can't afford to add much more. I am suppose to hear from Case's financial aid department this week and I'm really hoping its good news. The 15 grand Wash U is offering me is awesome but not if they aren't going to guarantee me my advanced standing. I was so exciting to get the chance to go there but that is just a deal breaker. I already feel kind of sick of school and there is no way I that I am going to stay in college for two years and pay 45 grand if I can go to Case from August to August and pay way less. The main point of doing this is so get my dream job and I will most likely be able to get a job at Cleveland Clinic or U.H. if I intern there in graduate school. I do want more of an adventure and I don't want to be distracted so hopefully Amanda and I can get a place together. With me in graduate school and her in nursing school we will be on similar schedules and yet we will be able to have tons of fun together. As of right now I feel that this is the ideal situation and I do have to be practical when making adult decisions. I am thinking that if Case offers me at least 10 grand I will take it without hesitation especially since they offer stipends. At this point in time I just can't afford to take a huge risk and Case potentially has more to offer me. I am looking forward to what the future has in store for me.

Although, I do still need to consider that Cleveland State is in the game because they could very well offer me the most money. I just have such an issue with that university...

Making Peace with Pieces

Everyday we change; I am not who I was yesterday and I am not quite you I will be tomorrow today. I often wonder if the pieces of who we used to be remain within us and connect us to the past. All the pieces of my life that are good and bad have made me who I am. I am grateful for my ability to get through the trying times and attempt to learn from them instead of letting them consume me the way many people do. Today a piece of my life that I try to make peace with was brought back into my life with a phone call from a life I don't live anymore. I was forced to think about my dog as my dog again...something I try not to do. She belongs to someone else, I'll always have the Madison that was mine and the best friend of my teen years but the Madison that exists now is separate from me. I realize its silly and childish that this has upset me so greatly but that dog got me through my teen years and I will always feel like I failed as a owner. I know there was nothing else I could have done and I gave her a great home but I still feel guilty and I still miss that silly little puppy. I miss my innocence. I miss those pieces of who I am that are not jaded. I wish I could let things go; I know that is probably my greatest flaw. I hold onto everything and even when I try to fool myself into believing that I am completely fine there are those days and moments that force me to realize that there will always be broken pieces of me that live inside of me. I suppose I should accept that sometimes I will just fall apart and be sad about the past. I hope I can make a difference in this life; a positive one. I hope I can do enough that my conscious feels clear...

Those Last 100 yards...

Back when I ran track and I was part of the 2 mile race, I would get really nervous before the race started but than somewhere within the miles I would get comfortable and feel in my element. I would stay focused but find the pace I needed to make it through. Than as the race would get closer to ending and I would turn that last corner and everyone would begin to cheer and push me to beat my time. I would gain a momentum that I did not even know I had and it would control my legs and before I even really understood, it would all be over. Now I'm in that stretch and everyone is cheering and reminding me that this is it. I feel a loss of control and time is pushing me forward but all I want to do is stop and look around and think about how it all started and the journey that got me to this finish line. I know that I can't just stop and hold on in these last weeks but I want to go out with a blast! I want these last weeks to be as great as all the wonderful weeks I had before.

It feels a lot better now that my future is somewhat clearer. But now I'm starting to picture the walls of this home empty and that moment where you turn around and say good bye. The kind of good bye that changes everything and you know that you can never really go back again. I suppose all in all I am ready and I will be OK, but it does not mean it will be easy.

So here is good bye to another home, more of a home than I have had in years, and good bye to a wonderful family, a family I will miss everyday. Here's to a journey that molded me and made me better and here is to a journey that I have yet to take.

Here we go; with less than two months remaining....

Movies Movies Movies!!!

(x) Rocky Horror Picture Show
(x) Grease
(x) Pirates of the Caribbean
(x) Pirates of the Caribbean 2: Dead Man's Chest
(x) Boondock Saints
(x) Fight Club
(x) Starsky and Hutch
(x) Neverending Story
(x) Blazing Saddles
( ) Airplane
Total so far: 9

(x) The Princess Bride
(x) Anchorman
(x) Napoleon Dynamite
(x) Labyrinth
(x) Saw
(x) Saw II
(x) White Noise
(x) White Oleander
(x) Anger Management
(x) 50 First Dates
(x) The Princess Diaries
(x) The Princess Diaries 2: Royal Engagement
Total so far: 21

(x) Scream
(x) Scream 2
(x) Scream 3
(x) Scary Movie
(x) Scary Movie 2
(x) Scary Movie 3
( ) Scary Movie 4
(x) American Pie
(x) American Pie 2
( ) American Wedding
( ) American Pie Band Camp
Total so far: 29

(x) Harry Potter 1
(x) Harry Potter 2
(x) Harry Potter 3
(x) Harry Potter 4
(x) Resident Evil 1
( ) Resident Evil 2
(x) The Wedding Singer
(x) Little Black Book
(x) The Village
(x) Lilo & Stitch
Total so far: 38

(x) Finding Nemo
(x) Finding Neverland
(x) Signs
(x) The Grinch
(x) Texas Chainsaw Massacre
( ) Texas Chainsaw Massacre: The Beginning
(x) White Chicks
(x) Butterfly Effect
(x) 13 Going on 30
(x) I, Robot
(x) Robots
Total so far: 48

(x) Dodgeball: A True Underdog Story
( ) Universal Soldier
(x) Lemony Snicket: A Series Of Unfortunate Events
( ) Along Came Polly
(x) Deep Impact
( ) KingPin
(x) Never Been Kissed
(x) Meet The Parents
(x) Meet the Fockers
( ) Eight Crazy Nights
(x) Joe Dirt
(x) KING KONG
Total so far: 56

(x) A Cinderella Story
(x) The Terminal
( ) The Lizzie McGuire Movie
(x) Passport to Paris
(x) Dumb & Dumber
( ) Dumber & Dumberer
(x) Final Destination
(x) Final Destination 2
(x) Final Destination 3
(x) Halloween
(x) The Ring
(x) The Ring 2
( ) Surviving X-MAS
(x) Flubber
Total so far: 66

(x) Harold & Kumar Go To White Castle
(x) Practical Magic
(x) Chicago
(x) Ghost Ship
(x) From Hell
(x) Hellboy
(x) Secret Window
(x) I Am Sam
(x) The Whole Nine Yards
(x) The Whole Ten Yards
Total so far: 76

(x) The Day After Tomorrow
(x) Child's Play
( ) Seed of Chucky
(x) Bride of Chucky
(x) Ten Things I Hate About You
(x) Just Married
(x) Gothika
(x) Nightmare on Elm Street
(x) Sixteen Candles
(x) Remember the Titans
(x) Coach Carter
(x) The Grudge
( ) The Grudge 2
(x) The Mask
(x) Son Of The Mask
Total so far: 89

(x) Bad Boys
(x) Bad Boys 2
(x) Joy Ride
(x) Lucky Number Slevin
(x) Ocean's Eleven
(x) Ocean's Twelve
(x) Bourne Identity
(x) Bourne Supremecy
( ) Lone Star
(x) Bedazzled
(x) Predator I
(x) Predator II
( ) The Fog
(x) Ice Age
(x) Ice Age 2: The Meltdown
( ) Curious George
Total so far: 102

(x) Independence Day
( ) Cujo
( ) A Bronx Tale
(x) Darkness Falls
( ) Christine
(x) ET
(x) Children of the Corn
(x) My Bosses Daughter
(x) Maid in Manhattan
(x) War of the Worlds
(x) Rush Hour
Total so far: 110

( ) Best Bet
(x) How to Lose a Guy in 10 Days
(x) She's All That
( ) Calendar Girls
( ) Sideways
(x) Mars Attacks
( ) Event Horizon
(x) Ever After
(x) Wizard of Oz
(x) Forrest Gump
(x) Big Trouble in Little China
(x) The Terminator 2
(x) The Terminator 3
Total so far: 119

(x) X-Men
(x) X-2
(x) X-3
(x) Spider-Man
(x) Spider-Man 2
() Sky High
(x) Jeepers Creepers
( ) Jeepers Creepers 2
( ) Catch Me If You Can
(x) The Little Mermaid
(x) Freaky Friday
(x) Reign of Fire
(x) The Skulls
(x) Cruel Intentions
(x) Cruel Intentions 2
( ) The Hot Chick
(x) Shrek
(x) Shrek 2
Total so far: 133

(x) Swimfan
(x) Miracle on 34th street
(x) Old School
(x) The Notebook
(x) K-Pax
( ) Krippendorf's Tribe
(x) A Walk to Remember
( ) Ice Castles
(x) Boogeyman
(x) The 40-year-old Virgin
Total so far: 141

(x) Lord of the Rings Fellowship of the Ring
(x) Lord of the Rings The Two Towers
(x) Lord of the Rings Return Of the King
(x) Indiana Jones and the Raiders of the Lost Ark
(x) Indiana Jones and the Temple of Doom
(x) Indiana Jones and the Last Crusade
Total so far: 147

(x) Baseketball
( ) Hostel
( ) Waiting for Guffman
( ) House of 1000 Corpses
( ) Devils Rejects
(x) Elf
( ) Highlander
(x) Mothman Prophecies
(x) American History X
( ) Three
Total so Far: 151

(x) The Jacket
( ) Kung Fu Hustle
( ) Shaolin Soccer
( ) Night Watch
(x) Monsters Inc.
(x) Titanic
(x) Monty Python and the Holy Grail
(x) Shaun Of the Dead
( ) Willard
Total so far: 156

( ) High Tension
(x) Club Dread
( ) Hulk
(x) Dawn Of the Dead
(x) Hook
(x) Chronicles Of Narnia: The Lion the Witch and the Wardrobe
(x) 28 days later
( ) Orgazmo
( ) Phantasm
(x) Waterworld
Total so far: 162

(x) Kill Bill vol 1
() Kill Bill vol 2
(x) Mortal Kombat
( ) Wolf Creek
() Kingdom of Heaven
(x) the Hills Have Eyes (the original!)
( ) I Spit on Your Grave aka the Day of the Woman
( ) The Last House on the Left
( ) Re-Animator
( ) Army of Darkness
Total so far: 165

(x) Star Wars Ep. I The Phantom Menace
(x) Star Wars Ep. II Attack of the Clones
(x) Star Wars Ep. III Revenge of the Sith
(x) Star Wars Ep. IV A New Hope
(x) Star Wars Ep. V The Empire Strikes Back
(x) Star Wars Ep. VI Return of the Jedi
() Ewoks Caravan Of Courage
() Ewoks The Battle For Endor
Total so far: 171

(x) The Matrix
(x) The Matrix Reloaded
(x) The Matrix Revolutions
( ) Animatrix
(x) Evil Dead
(x) Evil Dead 2
(x) Team America: World Police
( ) Red Dragon
(x) Silence of the Lambs
(x) Hannibal
Total: 179

So that explains why I never remember what happens in movies I've seen anymore....I've seen way too many!!!! Damn those Hollywood Video years....

Nowadays

So I would like to sit here and speak positively about all the great things going on in my life because I definitely use this blog to vent more often than I use it to discuss all the wonderful things I take for granted everyday but today might be a very bad day and I am still just waiting to find out. I can't help but thing that this time no news does not mean good news. If my mom lost her job today that would just be awful. She would have to move out of the apartment she loves, that would be good bye to this job that she has been really happy in and I don't even know if she would be able to stay in state. Also that would mean I would lose my insurance and I'm really afraid of not having insurance. I just wish that someone would call me back so I'm not just sitting here freaking out...

But really other than this potential issue I am doing pretty great! It is really weird to think about the fact that there are only 10 weeks left before graduation. The idea of leaving this place is becoming more real to me the closer it gets. For right now I try to think no further than Spring Break and how awesome that will be!

One Hell of a Week...

Positives: Completely done with grad school stuff, with the exception of U.C.
Matt bought me a wallet that I said I liked and the stamps I needed....very sweet!
My mom is actually coming to visit!
I got a bunch of cleaning done

Negatives: Car broke down and is going to cost me more money than I have
Meghan Moore deleted me as a friend on facebook
Umbrella broke
Scratched my eye with lint on contact
I'm not going to get any sleep tonight


Yeah so I'm more of a pessimist at 1:30am when I have to get up by 6:30am....

Also, I think I am more stressed now that my grad school stuff is in then when it wasn't done yet...at least then it was on my terms and now I am just waiting for my fate that is controlled by someone else. I'm terrified of my future even though I should be embracing it...I never expected to be this afraid of graduation. I know what I want and what makes me happy yet it all feels so complicated and overwhelming.

The straw that broke the camels back

I'm done...I'm not fighting for this friendship anymore.

You have gone too far this time and you immaturity has really shown through. I didn't realize I wasn't allowed to have a life because that means I can't be there for your every fucking need. This is so stupid that this is how you chose to betray me. I have had to take the responsibility and blame for every fight in the last seven years and I'm not doing it anymore! If you want to throw seven years of friendship away just like that, fine! Maybe its just not worth it anymore....you need to grow up!

Who the Fuck deletes their best friend from facebook?!?!

You have to live with yourself...I'm going to be fine because I have friends that know what friendship means.

"I will get by with a little help from my friends."

Old Feelings...

I find my self at this very moment reverting back to an old sense of self that I have desperately tried to over power. I just feel very alone and I'm not sure why. I feel like a push came to shove I am never picked first. I know that sounds lame but my mom will always favor my brother more, as she has blatantly stated to me before, I will never have a real best friend that will put me ahead of everyone else and not treat me like I can't make mistakes too, and even with Matt his family is still always first which I guess is fine but I don't think I have the type of family that I always want to put first since I am never first for them. I hate that I have to word it this way but I don't know how else to express it. I'm feeling phased out and left behind....

I just want to feel really special and I don't...I'm pretty sure its just my own problem but I don't know how to make it go away anymore. When will I grow out of my daddy issues because they ruin me and my relationships? Lately I just don't like who I am and I suppose how is anyone suppose to care about me if I don't care about myself...

Thanks Megan!

001. Real name – Lindsay Kayla Simbeck
002. Nickname(s) - Lindz, Lindy, Lindy-Lou, Sweets, Izzy
003. Status – In a relationship :)
004. Zodiac sign – Cancer
005. Male or female – Female
006. Religion - My own version of Christianity
007. Elementary – Pearl Rd Elementary and Brook Park Memorial
008. Middle School - Ford Middle School
009. High School – Midpark High School
010. Hair color – Dirty Blonde, Mousy Brown...?
011. Eye color – Green
012. Loud or Quiet - Majority quiet but I can be loud depending
013. Sweats or Jeans - Jeans
014. Phone or Camera - Phone
015. Health freak - In some ways but not as much as I should be and used to be
016. Favorite Physical Quality – ummm...you tell me
017. Do you have a crush on someone? - I think I do still have a crush on Matt along with deeper emotions
019. Piercing – Only 8 now since I had to let the one heal up
020. Tattoos - None yet but hopefully soon
021. Water or Fire – Water because it tastes yummy....and is about 80% of the human body
022. Love of your life or 4 Billion Dollars - I will keep my love thank you but if you want to give me a little money on top of that I will accept
023. First fear – tight spaces
024. First best friend – Jessica Zubik
025. First award – Attendance...?
026. First crush – Mr. Dan Soza my brothers friend from the 1st grade
027. First pet – Leo our painted neck turtle
028. Car trip - First car trip...Maybe South Carolina when I was 3 to see my uncle in the Marines...?
029. First big birthday – Well I don't remember the first few so I can't really compare them all
030. Siblings - One big brother
033. Favorite Dessert - Ice cream...could eat it everyday
034. Favorite toy in your house – Boo
035. Ring? - My favorite ring? My Claddagh which is still broken :(
036. Favorite Season - Summer
037. Favorite Flower(s) – Lillies
038. Favorite Spice - Cinnamon
039. Pancakes or Waffles – Waffles!
040. Left or Right-handed - Right
041. Virgin? - Not anymore
042. How many relationships have you been in? - Only one serious relationship
043. Silver or Gold? - Silver
044. Checkers or Chess? - Chess
045. Desktop or laptop? - Laptop
046. Ever been Out of the country? - Does Canada really count...?
047. Where? - Canada
048. Big City or Small town? - Big cities for the most part
049. Favorite Food type - Meat
050. Favorite Drink – Sweet Tea
051. Dogs or Cats – Dogs...shh don't tell the Boo
052. I'm about to – Make my lunch, watch the end of the Superbowl and get ready for bed...
053. Listening to – Superbowl commercials
054. Plans for today – well today is almost over so I plan to go to bed so I can wake up at 6am
055. Waiting for - My future to make sense...
056. Your Height - 5'7"
057. Contacts or Glasses - Both but I prefer contacts
058. Want kids? - Just puppies please
059. Want to get married? - The little girl inside of me does....and so far she is winning
060. Careers in mind – Social Worker at a hospital preferably the Cleveland Clinic and then perhaps a professor
061. Rain or Snow - Snow!
062. Gloves or Mittens - Gloves
063. Favorite Girl's Name – Skyler
064. Favorite Boy's Name – Jack
065. Believe in Magic? - The child inside me does
066. Soda, Pop, or Coke? - Soda
067. Brain or Brawn? - Brain
068. Prefer Lips or eyes – Eyes
069. Great body or great Personality? - Personality
070. Do you want to be Shorter or taller? - I'm fine
071. Do you want to initiate the relationship or him/her? - A happy medium was fine with me when I was in that game
072. Romantic or spontaneous - You can't be spontaneously romantic? (I agree!)
073. Nice stomach or nice arms – Ummm...can I have both or is that too greedy...I might have to go with the stomach
074. Sensitive or loud – Sensitive
075. Hook-up or relationship – Relationship
076. Should you be friends first or date first? - I suppose there is nothing wrong with either but it is good to be friends on some level
077. Troublemaker or hesitant – Hesitant
078. Chivalry or not? - Chivalry please
079. Favorite Board Game – Scene It and Trivial Pursuit
080. Lost glasses/contacts – I think I lost a contact once or twice in my 8 years
081. Ran away from home – Yes
082. Held a gun/knife for defense? - No
083. Killed someone? - No
084. Heartbroken – Yes but not in the romantic sense
085. Been arrested – No
086. Done anything illegal - Yes
087. Cried when someone died – Yes
088. Cried by yourself – Yes
089. Laughed till you cried? - Yes
090. Believe in Miracles? – Yes
091. Believe in Love at first sight? - No
092. Heaven – I probably don't belong there.... :/
093. Santa Claus - He's on the refridgerator
094. Say 'I Love you' on the first date – ? No
095. Sex on the first date - I could never do that
096. Hold hands on the first date – Perhaps
097. Is there one person you want to be with right now – Yes
098. Are you seriously happy with where you are in life – I should be more happy than I am but how happy can you been when chilling on crossroads
099. Do you believe in God? - Yes...but I'm not always sure he really believes in me...
100. Is anybody going to take this from you? - No

Time to calm down and put on a fake fucking face to please the group....

Sometimes friendship just dies...

Well maybe we just are not real friends anymore....I do know what happened but my friendship with Meghan has been on a slow decline for a long time now and I just feel like its just over now. Last time we hung out there was just not much of a connections and we are very different people. Its been over a month since we last talked and I didn't even think about it until today. I found a facebook note that she wrote and tagged all of her friends but me and in the note it said she missed a bunch of her friends that live far away but my name was absent again....I guess what can I even do if she doesn't even miss me? I just feel like she doesn't even care so than why should I care...? I don't know, maybe I should talk to Jay about it to hear what he has to say.

But in reality I really just want to surround myself with people care about me and if this is what it is now then I should just walk away from it all. I just worry about how quickly I start to not matter anymore and I wonder how long it will take for everyone in my life to just up and decide to leave me standing alone. Am I really that bad of a person; what do I do that is so awful and unfriendly? I just feel kind of broken...

Of Course...

So I changed my background and updated some aspects of my blog and I'm pretty happy about it. I do like to keep things updated and fresh as much as possible. I suppose I need to clean and organize, even computer related things, when I'm slightly annoyed....

Why do Matt's parents and/or family have to come into town every time I do?!?! Its like they have a radar for these things. Pardon me for sounding desperate but I'm in need of a little action and if Matt and I do not get some alone time together this relationship is going to start to look more like a friendship than a romantic relationship. Seriously...his family has no concept of privacy and it is ridiculously obnoxious!!!

Now I'm not quite sure what I want to do. I do want to go see him I just wish we had a different place to hide out. I can't wait for the day where we have a place to just be.

"Thats all I have to say about that"

So its our last semester................................

Ahhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh!

I feel like I should start crying now. This was everything I wanted and despite "the plan" I'm not ready to make the next steps and admit defeat. I don't know what I really want outside of all of this...besides being a social worker and owning a bunch of puppies and growing old with Matt. But all of those can take a back seat to being a college kid....besides owning a puppy....

Reminder of what I lost

Being home is always a mixture of joy and love along with pain and loss. The holidays are never an easy time any more and for some reason this year was worse than past years. I don't know if it is because Wil should have been 21 or that I was a senior in high school when: he died, my dog got put to sleep and when I really realized that my father had an alcohol problem...

I was really hoping to get my tattoo that my uncle JR drew for me on Thursday but JR waited too long to call the place and everything seems to be all booked up...I'm not happy about that; I really feel like this is something I need to do.

I am trying to work with the last few days I have left in town and see those I will not see again for a while. I am really excited to do lunch and see a movie with Gina and Thursday because I don't know when I will ever see her again. I hope that we keep in touch and stay good friends but I have to be realistic that many adult friendships do stay very strong. I am also really stoked to see my aunt and cousins on Friday and have some much needed family time with them.

I did end up with a lot of cool things this break...I'm pretty much as materialistic as the rest of Miami now... I now own a sonicare toothbrush, a gps, a new ipod, a new flip chocolate...I'm pathetic. Maybe I should make it a goal to simplify in other ways throughout my life. I don't want to get greedy or unappreciative for what I do have.

All and all...I'm feeling out of sorts. I want time to freeze... I don't want to make grown up decisions...I need to think things through. I want time to myself and I want to be there for my family more than I have been. I don't know...nothing ever feels enough in terms of the emotions of my family...I'm tired of watching my mom cry and my brother make bad choices. What can I do and what am I supposed to do? I feel so overwhelmed I just want someone to tell me exactly what to do so I don't have to...

Currently Listening to: Matt's awful rap music and him playing with the Boo Kitty.