Reminder of what I lost

Being home is always a mixture of joy and love along with pain and loss. The holidays are never an easy time any more and for some reason this year was worse than past years. I don't know if it is because Wil should have been 21 or that I was a senior in high school when: he died, my dog got put to sleep and when I really realized that my father had an alcohol problem...

I was really hoping to get my tattoo that my uncle JR drew for me on Thursday but JR waited too long to call the place and everything seems to be all booked up...I'm not happy about that; I really feel like this is something I need to do.

I am trying to work with the last few days I have left in town and see those I will not see again for a while. I am really excited to do lunch and see a movie with Gina and Thursday because I don't know when I will ever see her again. I hope that we keep in touch and stay good friends but I have to be realistic that many adult friendships do stay very strong. I am also really stoked to see my aunt and cousins on Friday and have some much needed family time with them.

I did end up with a lot of cool things this break...I'm pretty much as materialistic as the rest of Miami now... I now own a sonicare toothbrush, a gps, a new ipod, a new flip chocolate...I'm pathetic. Maybe I should make it a goal to simplify in other ways throughout my life. I don't want to get greedy or unappreciative for what I do have.

All and all...I'm feeling out of sorts. I want time to freeze... I don't want to make grown up decisions...I need to think things through. I want time to myself and I want to be there for my family more than I have been. I don't know...nothing ever feels enough in terms of the emotions of my family...I'm tired of watching my mom cry and my brother make bad choices. What can I do and what am I supposed to do? I feel so overwhelmed I just want someone to tell me exactly what to do so I don't have to...

Currently Listening to: Matt's awful rap music and him playing with the Boo Kitty.