They say everything happens for a reason...

I'm sick of being the scapegoat of this apartment.

Certain conversations make me realize that I am ready to graduate and go some place where I belong...where I actually matter

Christmas break will be a good thing....I just want to feel loved and appreciated instead of the joke of this so called home.

I guess I'm just not good enough.

What do you say to someone whose very presence or words makes you feel broken inside?

I just want to be fine again. I just want to feel like I belong to a real family again. I just want to have a home to come home to.

I don't know what I would do without Matt at this point; Cleveland would not feel like home without him.

Drugs Or Us

I hate this....why is it that without fail so many things fall a part during the holidays?

You play the victim but now we are all victims because of you. How do you expect any of us to trust you now? Maybe its not in me to take care of you anymore...maybe I should just add another failure to my list....Wil, my father, Jenna, now my brother too. Maybe I can't actually help anybody.

What is the point of all of this? I just want to scream and yell and shake you until you understand but I also want to hold onto you for fear of losing you too. I just hate this...why did it have to be this way?

I don't think I will ever understand substance abuse and addiction.

Maybe 20-30 days in jail, despite the holidays, is what you need. I wish you could see how much this hurts us.


"If only you could see
The stranger next to me
You promised you promised that you're done
But I can't tell you from the drugs."

Pain

Someday things will get better for my family, for my brother...

Now is just not that someday.


Eight long years of consistent family struggle; when we will earn a break?

I'm tired of being proud of my strength....when am I entitled to just fall apart instead of being the one to save everyone.

Maybe I will take up Matt's parents offer and move into the spare room...temporarily.

I know my brother needs me, again, but he needs to learn how to save himself for once. I had to always save myself....

I thought after a couple of days this anger would go away but its not. He needs to learn that he cannot keep hurting everyone.

Please God don't let my brother turn into his father.

Bored

I don't know what to do with myself right now. I am sleepy and I really want to go to bed but I am at work until 1:30 so that is not possible. I should be grateful that I am getting paid right now to sit here and play around on the internet since there are absolutely no dishes for me to do. I should try to finish the last ten pages I have of the Dr. Phil book but it is just so hard to motivate my eyes to go from word to word when the concepts are lacking in anything real or evident. The Dr. Phil fad is one that needs to fade moreso than the Twilight fad.

Well at least today is my last realy class day in my pointless capstone. Monday Alina and I will have our parenting guide finished and Wednesday we will our present them and that will be that for FSW 498. Thank God.

I am sincerely ready for this semester to be over. I dislike my two classes and I am feeling really burnt out by my practicum. I realize I should considering looking for a new placement next semester but I still feel like there is more to learn from this place and I would miss the residents; even though my supervisor is not the most inteligent role model for this profession. Maybe I just need to find a way to put more into it so I can get more out of it.

Winter break will be great and then next semester is going to be amazing! The only disappointing thing is that Matt is probably going to have his surgery two days before our official 2 year anniversary....awesome. It looks like we will be hanging out with his parents to celebrate the new year....

I've never been a fan of odd number years so I guess its appropriate...

Too cold for comfort

So I think I dislike winter, sincerely. Yet, I am pretty sure I would dislike living in an environment that was warm all year round and then got disgustingly hot during the summer. Basically I can't win unless I ever have enough money to have a vacation home that I can go to for the winter if I actually get to retire someday....which is a lot of ifs...? Well I guess I will just have to suck it up and hope that I can at the very least afford a fire place someday for my cardboard box.....

On a separate note I truly enjoyed my break at home; it was busy but in a good way. I am glad I got to see all of my cousins. I really miss Steven and Adam and I hope to get closer with them someday. Unfortunately things are still kind of awkward between Jen and I and I am not quite sure what to do about it anymore. Yet, on a more positive note I had a great time with my brother and in a way it is kind of cool sharing a room with him despite the mess. I love my brother dearly and I am so grateful for the person that he is right now and that he is trying to become.

All in all, it may be freezing outside but I am feeling warm.

Home

To be perfectly honest I feel like I couldn't be happier to be going home tomorrow. Lately I feel like I just can do no right around here. I feel like everything I say is taken the wrong way and people are jumping on me for the slightest mistake. I am also glad to be getting away from all of the hustle and bustle of this year for a few days. I am starting to really miss home and I am having trouble feeling like I belong here anymore. As I noted earlier this year, that may be a good thing as college begins to come to an end.

For the most part I like how my family is nowadays and it will be good to be around them. I love Thanksgiving and I feel like it is an underrated holiday, even though it is technically a lie in our history books. I like using this time to appreciate where my family came from and where we are today. We have been through so much together and we are closer because of it. Yes at times I hate what has happened with my father and that I am part of a broken family, but in the long run it has made most of us stronger and more appreciative of what we do have. I love being able to spend another holiday season with my Oma since I never know when it will be our last. I love seeing the little ones enjoy these days the way I used to. I love seeing the way my brother is finally growing up and turning into a person I can really respect. Yes these days are never perfect and things will most likely go wrong but I guess that is the fun part of life that we all need to learn to appreciate, especially myself....there is a lot of things I need to put in a new perspective.

I am also thrilled to spend part of the holidays with Matt's family again. This will be our third Thanksgiving together and its kind of exciting. Sometimes I am hard on him and hard on us as a couple but I really wouldn't have us any other way, except maybe a little closer together, and I enjoy falling in love with him a little bit more every time we are together. I cannot wait to go on our mini trip on Friday and just have some much needed alone time away from everything else. Away from those that are too involved and away from those that judge us and do not respect for what we have. Away from all the responsibilities that drive us everyday.

Tomorrow will be the beginning of a great couple of days!

Currently Listening to: Something Corporate-Space

New Days Bring New Hopes

Oh tomorrow is going to be such a good day....

:)

What should I do with a day that I do not HAVE to do anything...?

I suppose I should get ahead on somethings and I should really work on my applications again as time is slipping away faster than I could have imagined.

I guess I should be grateful that I work so much this weekend because not only will my paycheck be amazing but this weekend will fly and before I know it I will be home and surrounded by nonstop excitement.

I really hope to try and reconnect with Jen while I'm in town. I know she needs me and she has been trying to reach out to me again; I really appreciate that. I am so afraid of failing her...I hope that I can find some way of getting her to realize her true potential. She is the closest thing I have ever had to a kid sister and I need to do what I can to protect her from herself. I am going to go into this mission optimistic but aware that this may be a battle I will be facing for years to come. I just pray that she knows how much I love her and want to help her. I suppose I need to feel like I do have the power to make a difference and actually save someone. Maybe that is both selfish and selfless but I guess everything thing we do can be interpreted as both...


"Wish upon a star but
Do you know what stars are?
Balls of fire, burning up the black space
Falling from the landscape
Exploding in the face of God"

"Let's get crazy,
Talk about our big plans
Places that you're going
Places that I haven't been
Build my walls up
Concrete castle
Keep this kingdom free of hassle, yeah"

Cold

The wind is cold and snow flurries are cutting through the air just as they are expected to this time of year. The days are shorter as we are surrounded by darkness so much earlier than in the warmer seasons. I look forward to the long break away from studying and busy days, but I also know what goes hand and hand for me when the end of the year approaches. I feel my emotions beginning to react as the word alone, even utter in simple phrases, makes my inside shiver. I guess from October to January 1st I fight a battle, that gets easier each year, but is lying there beneath the surface nonetheless. I am just not capable of appreciating this time of year anymore. I will continue to take deep breaths and pretend everything is OK because no one wants to cry anymore after four years; four years....

How has it been four years without Wil? On December 19th I will go to the Burning Vegas show and celebrate their return and success of reinventing themselves, but there will be that quiet 18 year old girl wishing Wil will be just around the corner. December 28th, 2004 Burning Vegas played at Peabody's and that was the last time I saw him. Why didn't I hug him and tell him I missed him because it was what I was thinking in that moment. I didn't understand what had happened to us, but I figured we would have the rest of our lives to repair the broken pieces. Now I will be spending the rest of my life trying to repair a different set of broken pieces without him.

I wish my professor hadn't talked about someone hanging them self today.....People will never understand the images that come to my head when those words are placed together in a sentence.

I just want to make peace inside myself and after nearly four years I am still only making some progress. January will come and go and then I will be fine again.

Maybe I will get my tattoo over winter break. I hope that if I get it, it will feel like he's kind of with me again; in each step I will take, I will take it to honor his life.

Its cold for now but it always gets warm again eventually.

Letting my feelings wonder

I don't know why it should even surprise me or make me angry at this point, but my mother does not even know my address....? I mean I would give her some slack if I just moved here or something but this is the only place on campus that I have lived for two years and I just feel like if she was half as involved at she would like to think she is she would know it by now. I don't want this to ruin my amazing week, but I kind of feel like screaming about it. I just want to matter to my parents...is that so much to ask? I just wish all of my accomplishments counted for something...I wish I wasn't constantly waiting for a day that will never come. I know that I have done all of this for myself because I wanted a different life, but I just would like it if it was more than just a token to brag for my parents. What does family mean anymore anyways? Is it just about loving those that are conveniently distanced from yourself? I'm too far away so therefore its not worth the effort...You think by now I would learn to be numb to these emotions. Why does it always hurt so much...will I ever find anything to fill in these gaps that my parents have created for me? I wish I could talk to someone about it but I'm pretty sure everyone is tired of me saying anything and no one seems to really understand anyways. I guess we are all really just alone in this world, but maybe that is why we are all so unique. Maybe I try to love so hard because I don't feel loved enough? Maybe I want to save the world, or at least some individuals, because really I have always wanted someone to save me from my life and myself? Maybe I will never be done searching for answers to why I am here and why I don't matter to those that brought me here, but I will keep looking for constructive ways to coop with it.

In class yesterday the debate topic was how divorce has long-term negative affects on children. Some of which I do not agree with, such as being more likely to have a poor academic career, but some of it I cannot help but be inclined to believe in. I am destined to have emotional, trust and relationship issues? I guess research cannot give me all the definite answers to my own life and I should not sit around and blame others for my own problems, but should I ignore something that reveals that I am a product of a situation? I don't know...I'm just annoyed. Maybe I am just really over thinking all of this...yet I kind of feel unimportant. Every once in while I cannot contain the teenager that still lives deep inside of me that wants to runaway and make my family feel guilty for their treatment of me....but apparently it just backfired and I gave them a reason to care even less. Is it so bad that I just want to feel needed by them?

I need more. Something is missing in my life and I can't seem to figure out how fix it. I feel like I need some form of rush or high to feel really alive again. Maybe I should get my tattoo with my loan money or go sky diving. Maybe I should just try pot for the first time lol....probably not the best idea but I'm trying. When I have days like this I can't help but think it should have been me instead of Wil because he always mattered so much to my Aunt Sue....I know thats unfair to say but the thought is always hiding deep inside of me and sometimes it feels better just to write it out. I hate that he left when he was the one person that always knew exactly how I felt without me saying a word. I just wish I could have appreciated the one year that I had a "Daddy" more so than I did...I wish the anger and pain would not prevent me from remembering it the way it does.

Arggghh...I need to cut this out. I have had the best week ever and I just need to focus on that. I am loved.

Hope

Well, dreams are coming true. History is being made and in a good way for once. I feel a new type of aura occurring in society and I like it; theres hope. No, Obama will not be able to accomplish everything he wants to but I really believe he will try and that is enough to keep me smiling for today. There is not a cloud in the sky and the sun is as bright as ever and I feel it is symbolic to the answered prayers of many...millions. I love being a part of this and being able to have contributed to making this happen. I guess all we can do now is wait and see but at least I don't feel like I am waiting to watch the end of the world and this country anymore.

Today is a very good day.

I cannot resist: God bless America!

Alien

There are occasions when certain people make me feel alien in my own home. I do not appreciate that. Remind me to stay away longer....I am tired of trying, apparently its just hopeless after 3 years of failure.

Going to bed...I'm done for the day.

Money Money Money

Now that is a word that has consumed my life from time to time. I hate having to center everything around it but I guess that is just part of being an adult in this society. It is such a relief that I have been approved for another loan. I can get myself out of this credit card debt and attempt to start over and rebuild. I have worked too hard to be in this position and a little bit of freedom is going to be a nice change that I have not had for almost a year now. I realize that the last thing I really needed was another loan to add onto the 60 grand I will be paying for the next 30 years, but it is still better than credit card debt and I have to pay for next semester; my last semester of my undergraduate...

Someday I will be able to live the life I want and money won't dictate my every move. Someday I won't be forced to by crappy food and lose 8 pounds in a month because of my position. Someday I will go on vacations and pretend I live in a fantasy world and my childhood will be nothing more than a distant memory allowing me to appreciate where I have gotten myself. Granted, I'm not saying I want to be rich or anything even close, but I just want to be somewhat free of the agony of making constant sacrifices just to survive. I want to know that if my car breaks down everything will be fine and I will have a way to work the next day. I want to know that if it is a bad winter I do not have to fear having my gas or electricity turned off like it was when I was in high school. I just want something stable with room for a little adventure every once in a while. I realize the American dream is slightly a fable in today's world but I can't help but hope to find a little of it in my future. Is it so bad to want you dreams to come true? To find some form of a home and surround myself with animals, mainly dogs? Is it so bad to want to have parties and invite everyone I care about to them and have long conversations around the table until the sun rises? I may have to order the food or have people bring dishes, unless I actually learn to cook, but at least I will have to coolest napkin folds...

I don't know...I guess I'm just rambling and probably not making much sense but I just hope I do not have to spend my entire life completely money conscious and be able to allow for some fun without the guilt that always follows....

Fuck You! I'm Fine on my own!

So even my father showed up to Ryan's show. I guess I should be happy...at least he wants to be a dad to one of his kids....He can't do anything to benefit me though.

When will I matter? I guess I should just stop waiting...I've never really needed them anyways. It was just a life I wanted but could never have. I matter to Matt and some of my friends and I think thats all I really needed anyways. Those who are there for me are my real family. I am glad I at least have JR and Marcie who don't favor Ryan over me...they make a real effort to be a part of my life and help me out every time they get the opportunity to do so. I wish my mother would just see that actions speak a hell of a lot louder than words....

Currently listening to: Bitch by Meredith Brooks

Burning Vegas plays their show at the House of Blues tonight; making H.O.B. history as the first local band to ever do so! My brother and cousin really deserve this and I am so proud of the both of them! I wish I could be there but it just wasn't in the cards for me. Hopefully this will be their big break and I will be able to go to shows again someday. They will have a CD release party in December that I will be able to go to so thats exciting....my brother and my cousin releasing a CD; how awesome is that? Well I wish them the best of luck and I'm sure the show tonight will be amazing!

Yet, I wish my family cared as much about my passions as they do about my brothers. I realize that my dreams may not be that exciting and that they may not something they can relate to but they are important to me.....My mom has the time and money to visit Ryan's world but never mine. Oh well....I should just get used to it by now. Someday I will not be the black-sheep.

A New Road

Well now things are changing for me in a way that I did not plan for. I wish I cared more. I just want a masters degree and I cannot seem to find it in me to even care how I get it. Due to this mindset it makes sense to take, what will most likely be, the cheapest route and stay in state but I will keep other options open for now. I think U.C. is a good option because I do like the climate down here and the move wouldn't be a pain for me or the cat. Also, I'm not sure how much my car can take in terms of long distance travel anymore. I have a lot to weigh out and it will be a while before my mind is set on anything but I need to prioritize my plans. I am going to keep Cleveland State as a plan z for now well other options such as Wash U, Columbia, and NYU remain possible.

To be honest, I am just feeling greatly disappointed in myself. How did I miss this? How did something so crucial towards my future go unnoticed? I'm tired and I am feeling like I am doing more harm than good in many aspects of my life lately. My greatest fear is failing and yet a part of me feels like I am doing just that...failing at putting my future together. I truly do not even know what I want anymore. I just feel done and down trotted. I am discouraged that I don't allow myself to be proud of what I have accomplished and I am greedy with my own opportunities. I am not going to fall a part, yet I am not in the mood to skip towards the road I am heading down anymore...

Maybe this is all just a sign to push me in the right direction and I need to just look at it more optimistically. Maybe I am just suppose to stay in this state and use my abilities and my power to make this a better place; every individual counts. Or maybe I am suppose to turn my head back towards New York and not so easily push that aside. Maybe I am supposed to look at the top social work program in the universe with greater consideration. What if it was best that my options just narrowed so that I go where I am supposed to...fate could be real and it could be helping me see where I need to go. Who knows? In a few months this will all make sense and I am sure I will be writing about the future that will be decided. I've potentially been locked out of the door I want, but there are many more to choose from! I can't help but agree with Megan wholeheartedly, and wish that I just avoid growing up altogether....I don't feel ready to make these decisions....I just want to lay in bed and watch kids movies and be surrounded by puppies and Boo. Sounds perfect to me..........I can dream cant it?

BFFs...?

So I have been thinking lately and I just feel like I've lost my best friend. I don't really care to talk to her anymore and well I just don't know who she is anymore. Or maybe its that she is who she has always been and I have just done a lot of growing in the last few years and I do not see eye to eye with Meghan anymore. I adore Jay and I think he and I are closer than we have ever been but truly I don't know if he is really my best friend either. It may be lame to consider, but I just feel like I don't have a best friend, maybe I never really did. I just always wanted to be a best friend and have a best friend that I think I tried too hard to keep that title. Maybe after high school we aren't meant to have "best friends" anymore; just a lot of really good friends. I am glad that I have all my different friends in my life to go to for different things, but I can't help but wish I had that one friend that I could go to for anything and not feel uncomfortable or judged about it. For the most part I guess I do have Matt for most of it but I don't want to have to go to him for girl things, even though with two sisters he is always willing to listen to my girlie moments...

I guess I just wish that Meghan was different than she is and would just grow up a little bit. I am glad that she is unique and a free spirit in so many ways but not when I am potentially going to be relying on her for part of the rent next year.

I think I just feel kind of lost and scared lately....I am really not even sure why. My future is so bright but I am terrified of it. I wish I could live off the best moments in my life and ignore everything else...

So I guess I'm just human....I make mistakes.

I should probably stop being so hard on myself. I need to be ok with really fucking up sometimes; I just need to keep learning from it. Everything will end up fine in the end...it always does.

Plus I should really give myself more credit when it comes to my relationship with Matt. This after all is my first real attempt at one and it has always been long distance from the beginning. We were bound to have our bad days and for the most part they really are few and far between. Considering my usual trust issues with the male population I think I've done all right in this. Maybe its because there really is something there...something meaningful and potentially timeless. I try to downplay what we have because so many relationships fall apart and I feel like I don't always deserve this...but maybe I do and maybe we won't fall apart. And if we do...then it was just where life was suppose to take me. I really want to just go with the flow and let fate take its course with me. Granted I realize my actions always have consequences but still....what happens happens and so far things are going well.

What if this really is the real deal...I avoided thinking about that concept for so long but after two years is it a thought I should continue to avoid or perhaps take in a little at a time...? I'm glad he will be here tomorrow!

Maybe I shouldn't be with anyone anyways....I'm too broken....damaged goods.

Maybe I never really deserved someone like him....someone that never intentionally tries to hurt anyone. Why do I purposefully cause people pain; what's wrong with me?

Just like my father I drag those I love down with me. I'm an asshole...just like him.

It would be nice if you could be happy for me sometimes.....I guess its just too much to ask....

Someone save me.....

I just can't seem to manage my time the way I want to; the way I used to. I don't want to be in school anymore but I don't really see what other choice I have....I almost can't afford not to go to grad school. If I do anything else I'm going to have to start paying on these ridiculous student loans that will be the burden of my existence for the next 30 years of my life...ouch. I need to get a higher paying job than anything my BSW will offer me. I know that I can take an accelerated grad program so I only have to go one more year of it all...at a more intense level, but I'm not sure thats what I really want right now. I know its because I'm tired and I haven't really had a solid break from class since last winter break, but I just want to find home, where ever that is, and get some much needed rest.

Matt is being supportive and telling me that I should go to grad school in Chicago because that is what I've really wanted to do but I'm so tired of moving around. I know if I don't do it I will regret it later in life so therefore I will apply and go through the motions and I'm sure once everything is said and done I will know I made the right choice. Yet, right now I'm not 100 percent sure what the right choice is....I want a vacation!

Yesterday

So I got through yesterday; as if it was simply like any other day to me. I guess it does get easier with time. I really thought I would hit a point where I would just fall apart but I didn't. I had one small moment of tears in the car but it didn't last long and those come and go sometimes anyways. I told myself I would take a shot for him to horror the fact that it should have been his 21st but I'm not disappointed that I did not even bother...its a week day; therefore unnecessary.

I do miss him though. He was the one person I was willing to get in trouble for. I almost stole something once and it was because he was egging me on...that was so long ago. I'm glad that I didn't go through with it but the situation is funny to me now. What would my life look like now if things were different? Maybe I would not have even chosen this career...? I blame my relationship with and the actions of my father for this position most of the time, but maybe there is more to it than I thought. Maybe because I was never able to fix anything for him I am trying to spend my life fixing something for someone just so I don't have to blame myself so much. I guess the same goes for Jenna; I was always the leader and always in charge and I failed both of them. I could not be the role model I wanted to be for them; I could not make a difference. Will I ever make a significant difference for someone one day? I suppose I will spend my life trying to find out. Trying to heal these wounds and feel better than OK again.

His death will always effect who I am in this life...

Wil, you should have been here to see the day.

"Where did I go wrong, I lost a friend
Somewhere along in the bitterness
And I would have stayed up with you all night
Had I known how to save a life"

I'm glad I knew you....

Some Days...

There are days where I just cannot handle how or what people say to me. There has been a couple occasions today where I kind of wanted to punch people in the face. I realize that this is something I am going to need to work on when I'm out in the world trying to do my job, but at the same time these situations occur few and far between and today has just been one of those days.

Maybe I am more on the edge than I thought I would be today. You think after four years of disappointment for this day from my family I would have learned to just be ok and get over by now, and I thought I had, but maybe it hurts more than I'm willing to admit. I just wish I felt a little more wanted....

Oh well....life goes on and this weekend will end like all the rest and it will just be another moment in time not worth pondering about. I just have to keep working on not caring that much....my family shows me they love me in different ways. I guess I don't really need that kind of attention anyways and my family doesn't have the need that some families and parents have to be involved with giving that kind of attention.

I would rather have my family than those fake fancy ones I've seen the last couple of shifts at work any day!

I think all social workers should have this type of thought process!!!! I don't even want to think about the stress this country is going to have to continue to go through if McCain becomes presidents.....we really can't afford it!

Breathe breathe breathe.....

I need to stop shaking....I need to focus....I have things to get done and someday everything will be Ok.

Breathe and don't cry. He's not his father and he will find a way out of this...he'll be ok.

The future is uncertain but hope and faith will keep me strong. Its just one of those times where I have to dig deep and find that part of me that I use on occasions similar to this. Just keep moving.

What Now...

What am I suppose to do about this? Am I fated to have these same depression issues that so many of my family members have or am I of a different make up? Knowing that my own brother is near the same fate as my cousin is more than I may be able to handle, yet I know that my brother is smarter than that and if he tries to do anything like that again I will kill him myself. Why is it that he does this to himself? Why is that my father has done all of this to himself? Will I spend my whole life trying to use my career to solve their problems just to inevitably fail? I've been looking for answers and trying to make peace with the world and myself, but when will I cross that line again? How much is a person suppose to endure before they cannot anymore? I would like to hope that my God is a fair God and does not give more to people than they can handle, which is part of the reason I was able to recover from my past. Yet, I can say that at this point God will have to sincerely give me some answers if anything happens to my brother while I am here and completely unable to do anything to stop it.

I realize that my mother was hesitant to tell me and my uncle used his better judgment to decide that I had a right to know, but what am I suppose to do with this? I guess in the long run I would have been angrier to have not been told at all. I want to know that my brother will be ok, and no one can truly tell me this not even him right now, but I also can't let this take me over. I have to do what I have to do to make a positive difference in the world and that means focusing completely on my life down here. I can't do everything for everyone but is there something I can do to help a little? He will never go, but I wish we could get him professional help.

I also feel guilty because I'm angry; everything is always about Ryan. What about me....when is it my turn? Too bad I find messing up to impossible to bear or maybe I should take a turn... I realize that is a selfish thing to think but I have tried really hard to make a life for myself with little help since Ryan has always needed more help to do very little, but when will the recognition I deserve over power the attention Ryan needs? I know he doesn't do this on purpose but it just works out that way.

I just know that I am no superman....I'll just do what I can and hopefully everything will work out. I refuse to bury another young member of my family and if Ryan does not stop this I will drive up there and hold onto him until her realizes how important he is to me. I guess I have to keep doing what I do, stay busy, and keep my mind off of it. I'll use this journal to face it but for the most part I need to focus on the positive for my own sake. I can't be wrapped up in all of this again and I hate my father for being who he is and influencing my brother so greatly. Ryan deserves to love life and see how loved he is. Maybe I will write him a letter....

I don't know...this is just such bad timing. I need something to hold onto....

Last Weekend

I had an amazing time back home and I think I really needed that. This summer wasn't very great, to say the least, and I don't like leaving home with a bad taste in my mouth so now I feel relieved that I have happy memories to look back on. It was so great seeing my cousins and all the family members that I miss being around. It was also great to be around Matt for a weekend, sometimes I need to be reminded of how wonderful of a person he is and stop taking him for granted. I am really lucky just to know him and I should probably do a better job of letting him know that, but I think I am still afraid and still learning how to love. I think its not easy for some people and I am one of them. Sometimes I try to convince myself that he will hurt me, but I know that is not honestly true at all.

I also think that I should stop being so hard on myself in terms of our future because it does not have to be doomed just because my parents are divorced. If I want to look at things from that perspective than I would have failed college because technically a child of divorced parents and of low income has terrible odds of doing well in school. I've proved that theory wrong and I can continue to be an anomaly, or at least I think that is the word I want to use in this situation. Oh well, I do the best I can and I should be more proud of myself.

I think this weekend will be great! Kings Island will be an awesome bonding experience for all of us roommates and having my uncle here on Sunday to hang out will incredible! Really, what else could I ask for?

Ironically, currently listening to Hakuna Matata from the Lion King...

I need to just breath...

Someday this fog will clear up and I will be able to stand up straight but until than I need to do a better job of not letting this life pass me by. All I have is right now. I just wish that I did not have such a strong urge to cry but maybe I should stop holding it in....

Tomorrow will be a good day

So I'm starting to think that I am truly ready to leave Miami. I can't handle this conservative perspective that rules that atmosphere and I am in need of a more liberal and realistic society. I know I will never find that entirely but I have better odds in a big city! There is no hope for me in this Republican bubble....

Just in general I don't feel as welcome here as I used to; I feel myself being phased out. Part of those feelings do exist due to my own personality flaws but a portion of it is the environment itself. I am feeling extremely torn and conflicted by need and sincere desire to leave and stay at the same time.

I cannot pin point the deeper reason why but I am just not as happy to be here as I had anticipated. I have been trying to convince myself otherwise, but I can't hide from my strange disappointment and frustrations. Maybe if I do a better job of facing it I can make it go away. I can find a way to feel home here again.

I wish I had a Jay here....he knows how to make me feel better without me even knowing that I needed to be comforted...

This too shall pass...

Potentially its just the time of year it is for me. Most of the time, lately, I'm ok just slightly missing Wil and trying to celebrate his life. It helps that new years isn't as bad as it used to be now that I look at is as a day for Matt and I to celebrate, but his birthday still slightly kills me. He would have been 21 this year which I think he would have loved and been so excited. I don't want this to be so hard for me to deal with but it still is and maybe that is why I really want to get the tattoo soon. I think it would make me feel good to get it as a celebration of what should have been his 21st. Maybe its something I just need to go out on my own and do....i dont know, I just want to fill the pain with something good and I still haven't found the best way to do that. Maybe when I am out in the world advocating for Native Americans and Gay Rights I should also consider doing something with suicide awareness. I always thought it should be something that I needed to avoid, but maybe I need to face it head on. I don't care how childish it is to admit this but I just want him back; a connection like the one we had can't be something that just vanishes in the night and never returns again. I can still hear his voice in my head if I try hard enough; him my brother and Steven and Adam will always be my favorite part of my childhood. And Wil will always be one of the few people that just understood me for being the way that I was without criticism and I can't always say I did the same for him.

I just can't believe on New Years it will be four years without him. I guess I will at least always have Black by Burning Vegas as an outlet for the loss. I just need to keep finding constructive ways of dealing with all of this.

So how is someone suppose to be the bigger person in a situation that makes them feel so small?

I strongly dislike my brothers girlfriend; or whatever she is to him this time. "Taking it slow" my ass....its not taking it slow if she is constantly sleeping over his apartment and if every time my mom or I talk to him he is with her. Uuugggghhh....

I know my brother is no prince charming but he is better than her! If for any reason they last and plan on getting married I am stating now that I refuse to attend....

I know that is horrible for me to say but I don't know how to be the bigger person in this situation because playing nice would be far too fake for me to handle at this point. I just pray that he does not bring her to Bryan's wedding or I'm going to have a rough time....

I just feel so betrayed after everything we talked about that one day we walked along the pier along Lake Erie.

Here's to the nights.....where we are wonderfully lame!

Ouch....that kinda burns

I didn't expect to get slapped in the face today...but I guess no one ever does; if they did they would duck....

I can't believe Boo is 1! That means pretty soon it will be the anniversary of the day we brought her home and all this trouble started haha.

I do wish I could freeze frame every moment, well every enjoyable moment, and hold onto these next seven months with all of the strength of the world but I know time is much stronger and the sun rises and sets so quickly everyday. I do hope that this year can prove to be the greatest ride of my life thus far; so great that the rest of my years will have to work hard to compare. I hope for even more laughter and less tears...although tears do always have a way of bring people together through some sort of special bond.

I hope that when I walk from all of this that I walk knowing that those that I love dearly will always be walking with me in a manner that reveals that we never really left this world behind us. Some of these friendships won't be strong enough to survive the end, but for those that I am willing to bet on May will not be the end...just another step showing the continuation of our story as friends.

One Day at a Time

I know I make mistakes and I know I don't always learn from them the way I want to, but I try. I guess that is what life is all about anyways; just trying everyday. I think my greatest goal in life is to constantly attempt to become a better person than I was the day before. I don't want to leave this life with any regrets and I don't want to leave behind hurt feelings of any kind. I want to be someone that when people think of they smile. I want to inspire! I want to do such great things that people will be motivated to great things to....to pay it forward. I want to leave my mark here even if it is only for the sake of a few people. I don't want to say "I can't" anymore!

I want to love and not to judge. I want to understand that people are different from me and that is what makes them wonderful....in other words I do not want to judge or criticize. I want to avoid those conversations where people talk ill of others. I gossip too much. Granted sometimes some conversations are about trying to find a way to resolve issues for someone I love but i need to find a better, a more professional, manner in which to have these conversations.

I just want to try....and to make as many people as I can smile or even laugh. People hold onto the negative but live for the positive...I need to find some sort of balance for this issue in my life.

Goal Number One: Push the negative out! As best as a fallible human can anyways...

Love those for who they are and love myself despite my own flaws...

Amused!

I'm walking to a new beat

So I think I am truly feeling this senior thing... I have never felt so comfortable walking down the streets or sitting in the classes in this campus. I am going to try and appreciate every aspect of this year but I can't help and feel myself growing out of this place and looking toward the larger cities of this country to fulfill my needs. Every time I start looking at grad schools I feel those exciting little butterflies that resemble those that occur when falling in love. I'm pretty sure there is a big part of me that loves change and looking for the potential of a situation.

Wooooo!!! I'm really excited for this year and how much fun we are all going to have!

Oh how I miss the internet when I am not at school...

Today I tried to buy a wii online for $200, the seller did not accept my offer; somewhat disappointed. Although, on the bright side I am really, and I mean really, in debt right now; so maybe it was life's way of saying stop wasting money you do NOT have. Hopefully by the end of the summer I can get out of this whole that I have dug myself in. Damn this stupid CSU class that has eaten a sincere about my of finances. It is such a waste...

I cannot believe it is already June 12th. I still havent given my brother his birthday present and its been almost a month now; I pretty much suck. On the other hand my brother doesnt really make anytime for me so why should I really care anyways.

I dont like going home. I am much happier when I am just here at Matt's; even when he is away at work like right now. I can't deal with my grandparents; I feel pretty rotten saying that but its true. I just don't know why they had to start smoking again, I cant deal with watching them kill themselves. They are aging with such a lack of grace that I now am beginning to fear growing old. For the last few years I have thought that growing old is a privilege; since not everyone gets to do it, but they make it seem to painful...

Boo is my saving grace. I am so in love with that cat its pretty much ridiculous. She is such an angel; even when she is bad it is usually hysterical and I cant help but laugh at her. She has been ripping up Matt's stupid wall paper and I think its great. He thinks I taught her to do it haha. I think she has gotten bigger...she seems so heavy when I pick her up. I hope she lives for many years to come!

I like Sherwin Williams; my bosses are awesome. I only have 7 more S.T.A.R.T. tests and then I will get 9.50 on hour! I also love getting paid breaks, especially since I keep eating at Panera Bread since its right next door...its almost like getting paid to eat it!!!

I went for a two hour walk down in the valley by my house yesterday; I think I really needed the serenity of alone time. I hope I get more chances to do that throughout the summer...maybe next time I will stop by the horse stables and see if they take volunteers....?

One More Day

So I feel as though I am pretty much done; I cannot wait for 12 hours from now when I will be rid of psychology at Miami!

To do list:
Take Final
Sell back book
FSWSO treasury
Finish Community Paper
Sign Agreement for Field Practicum
Return Carillon Catering clothes
Sign Student Manager form for Marcum
Load my car
Clean like a mad woman
Load Matt's car
Probably clean some more stuff
Label what I need to
Drive 4/5 hours
Sleep Friday away!

Two More Days

I'm sleepy....

Yeah thats all I got....

First Blog

I used to blog on live-journal and I suppose I may still do so at times, but I must admit I enjoy the set up of this web page substantially more.

I am beginning this new blog with just a few short days left in my junior year of college; as I am now completely done with 3 classes and just have three more classes to tie up some loss ends for.

Heres to a summer soon at hand!