Letting my feelings wonder

I don't know why it should even surprise me or make me angry at this point, but my mother does not even know my address....? I mean I would give her some slack if I just moved here or something but this is the only place on campus that I have lived for two years and I just feel like if she was half as involved at she would like to think she is she would know it by now. I don't want this to ruin my amazing week, but I kind of feel like screaming about it. I just want to matter to my parents...is that so much to ask? I just wish all of my accomplishments counted for something...I wish I wasn't constantly waiting for a day that will never come. I know that I have done all of this for myself because I wanted a different life, but I just would like it if it was more than just a token to brag for my parents. What does family mean anymore anyways? Is it just about loving those that are conveniently distanced from yourself? I'm too far away so therefore its not worth the effort...You think by now I would learn to be numb to these emotions. Why does it always hurt so much...will I ever find anything to fill in these gaps that my parents have created for me? I wish I could talk to someone about it but I'm pretty sure everyone is tired of me saying anything and no one seems to really understand anyways. I guess we are all really just alone in this world, but maybe that is why we are all so unique. Maybe I try to love so hard because I don't feel loved enough? Maybe I want to save the world, or at least some individuals, because really I have always wanted someone to save me from my life and myself? Maybe I will never be done searching for answers to why I am here and why I don't matter to those that brought me here, but I will keep looking for constructive ways to coop with it.

In class yesterday the debate topic was how divorce has long-term negative affects on children. Some of which I do not agree with, such as being more likely to have a poor academic career, but some of it I cannot help but be inclined to believe in. I am destined to have emotional, trust and relationship issues? I guess research cannot give me all the definite answers to my own life and I should not sit around and blame others for my own problems, but should I ignore something that reveals that I am a product of a situation? I don't know...I'm just annoyed. Maybe I am just really over thinking all of this...yet I kind of feel unimportant. Every once in while I cannot contain the teenager that still lives deep inside of me that wants to runaway and make my family feel guilty for their treatment of me....but apparently it just backfired and I gave them a reason to care even less. Is it so bad that I just want to feel needed by them?

I need more. Something is missing in my life and I can't seem to figure out how fix it. I feel like I need some form of rush or high to feel really alive again. Maybe I should get my tattoo with my loan money or go sky diving. Maybe I should just try pot for the first time lol....probably not the best idea but I'm trying. When I have days like this I can't help but think it should have been me instead of Wil because he always mattered so much to my Aunt Sue....I know thats unfair to say but the thought is always hiding deep inside of me and sometimes it feels better just to write it out. I hate that he left when he was the one person that always knew exactly how I felt without me saying a word. I just wish I could have appreciated the one year that I had a "Daddy" more so than I did...I wish the anger and pain would not prevent me from remembering it the way it does.

Arggghh...I need to cut this out. I have had the best week ever and I just need to focus on that. I am loved.