Cold

The wind is cold and snow flurries are cutting through the air just as they are expected to this time of year. The days are shorter as we are surrounded by darkness so much earlier than in the warmer seasons. I look forward to the long break away from studying and busy days, but I also know what goes hand and hand for me when the end of the year approaches. I feel my emotions beginning to react as the word alone, even utter in simple phrases, makes my inside shiver. I guess from October to January 1st I fight a battle, that gets easier each year, but is lying there beneath the surface nonetheless. I am just not capable of appreciating this time of year anymore. I will continue to take deep breaths and pretend everything is OK because no one wants to cry anymore after four years; four years....

How has it been four years without Wil? On December 19th I will go to the Burning Vegas show and celebrate their return and success of reinventing themselves, but there will be that quiet 18 year old girl wishing Wil will be just around the corner. December 28th, 2004 Burning Vegas played at Peabody's and that was the last time I saw him. Why didn't I hug him and tell him I missed him because it was what I was thinking in that moment. I didn't understand what had happened to us, but I figured we would have the rest of our lives to repair the broken pieces. Now I will be spending the rest of my life trying to repair a different set of broken pieces without him.

I wish my professor hadn't talked about someone hanging them self today.....People will never understand the images that come to my head when those words are placed together in a sentence.

I just want to make peace inside myself and after nearly four years I am still only making some progress. January will come and go and then I will be fine again.

Maybe I will get my tattoo over winter break. I hope that if I get it, it will feel like he's kind of with me again; in each step I will take, I will take it to honor his life.

Its cold for now but it always gets warm again eventually.