Haunted by the Past

I can't say that I'm feeling that upbeat today. Reading 80 pages about suicide and how to prevent it as a social worker is necessary but brings upon guilty feelings. It makes me desire some sincere comfort that I can't seem to find anywhere. I went to the cemetery yesterday....did a lot of crying.

I am desperately trying to get my mom's permission to get a puppy. I have been very sincerely and obsessed about this and I was not really sure why until recently. I think I'm still so upset with her that I do not have Madison and I feel like she owes me. I have had to do so much on my own....yet she still talks to me like I'm a child. I do not need to be reminded of the work I have to do. I go nonstop and I am not going to feel guilty when I take a break from all this chaos.

She was telling me the other day about how badly she wanted to buy me Madison because she knew when I was thirteen I really needed a dog but when I was 19 she did nothing to help me keep her. I had no other option and I had to lose something else extremely important to me. I have been doing the best I can to forgive and let go but I do not feel very forgiving tonight. I feel upset and I need some comfort but instead I have to sit here and read more about suicide....

Sometimes I love it here and sometimes I want to run away and not even look behind me...I guess that is what transition is all about.

Still Feeling Unusual

I know that no one can ever tell you how you will feel when things are changing and milestones pass by and you realize you really aren't a kid anymore...but I didn't expect to feel so strange. I'm not unhappy, in fact I really like how my life is playing out and I am enjoying myself, yet I just feel out of sorts. Something is not quite right and I cannot seem to put a finger on it. I really like Case, this social work program is more than I could have ever asked for and I love my placement so far; its a great improvement from my undergrad placement. Living with my family is so much better than I thought it could be. We are all getting along and my brother and I are closer than we have been in years and I cannot express in enough words how much that means to me. We really have done a lot of growing up in the last few years...or in my brother case, the last six or so months. I have also been taking better care of myself physically with my Wii Fit and a better diet with a lot more fruits and vegetables.

I ate mushrooms last weekend and I didn't totally dislike them...they could grow on me. I think next time I eat pizza I want to get mushrooms and red peppers.

Although sleep could be a huge factor in my strange feeling. I am just so busy...I am not getting enough Zzzzz. I do not have a single day off, between class, work, and placement, with the exception of every other Saturday and I will be spending those days getting caught up and ahead on reading and papers. My finances are great right now but I should be getting my stipend soon which will help. That could be a factor in my lack of sleep as well because I sit there worrying. My credit cards are almost maxed out and I only have one hundred dollars to my name...I've been letting myself stay in denial about it. Oh well...I'm twenty three and in grad school...I'm suppose to be broke, right?

Matt and I are doing pretty well. We have had a lot of ups and downs this summer but we are really trying to get through it. He is back on adderal which should really help since he will be able to hold a conversation again. Prior to this I constantly felt like I missed him even when he was around me because he wasn't the same person and I didn't know how to help. But things are looking up so I'm staying positive!

I just really wish my mom would let me have a puppy!!!!