Haunted by the Past

I can't say that I'm feeling that upbeat today. Reading 80 pages about suicide and how to prevent it as a social worker is necessary but brings upon guilty feelings. It makes me desire some sincere comfort that I can't seem to find anywhere. I went to the cemetery yesterday....did a lot of crying.

I am desperately trying to get my mom's permission to get a puppy. I have been very sincerely and obsessed about this and I was not really sure why until recently. I think I'm still so upset with her that I do not have Madison and I feel like she owes me. I have had to do so much on my own....yet she still talks to me like I'm a child. I do not need to be reminded of the work I have to do. I go nonstop and I am not going to feel guilty when I take a break from all this chaos.

She was telling me the other day about how badly she wanted to buy me Madison because she knew when I was thirteen I really needed a dog but when I was 19 she did nothing to help me keep her. I had no other option and I had to lose something else extremely important to me. I have been doing the best I can to forgive and let go but I do not feel very forgiving tonight. I feel upset and I need some comfort but instead I have to sit here and read more about suicide....

Sometimes I love it here and sometimes I want to run away and not even look behind me...I guess that is what transition is all about.