What Now...

What am I suppose to do about this? Am I fated to have these same depression issues that so many of my family members have or am I of a different make up? Knowing that my own brother is near the same fate as my cousin is more than I may be able to handle, yet I know that my brother is smarter than that and if he tries to do anything like that again I will kill him myself. Why is it that he does this to himself? Why is that my father has done all of this to himself? Will I spend my whole life trying to use my career to solve their problems just to inevitably fail? I've been looking for answers and trying to make peace with the world and myself, but when will I cross that line again? How much is a person suppose to endure before they cannot anymore? I would like to hope that my God is a fair God and does not give more to people than they can handle, which is part of the reason I was able to recover from my past. Yet, I can say that at this point God will have to sincerely give me some answers if anything happens to my brother while I am here and completely unable to do anything to stop it.

I realize that my mother was hesitant to tell me and my uncle used his better judgment to decide that I had a right to know, but what am I suppose to do with this? I guess in the long run I would have been angrier to have not been told at all. I want to know that my brother will be ok, and no one can truly tell me this not even him right now, but I also can't let this take me over. I have to do what I have to do to make a positive difference in the world and that means focusing completely on my life down here. I can't do everything for everyone but is there something I can do to help a little? He will never go, but I wish we could get him professional help.

I also feel guilty because I'm angry; everything is always about Ryan. What about me....when is it my turn? Too bad I find messing up to impossible to bear or maybe I should take a turn... I realize that is a selfish thing to think but I have tried really hard to make a life for myself with little help since Ryan has always needed more help to do very little, but when will the recognition I deserve over power the attention Ryan needs? I know he doesn't do this on purpose but it just works out that way.

I just know that I am no superman....I'll just do what I can and hopefully everything will work out. I refuse to bury another young member of my family and if Ryan does not stop this I will drive up there and hold onto him until her realizes how important he is to me. I guess I have to keep doing what I do, stay busy, and keep my mind off of it. I'll use this journal to face it but for the most part I need to focus on the positive for my own sake. I can't be wrapped up in all of this again and I hate my father for being who he is and influencing my brother so greatly. Ryan deserves to love life and see how loved he is. Maybe I will write him a letter....

I don't know...this is just such bad timing. I need something to hold onto....