Across the Universe

So I'm starting to think that I am truly ready to leave Miami. I can't handle this conservative perspective that rules that atmosphere and I am in need of a more liberal and realistic society. I know I will never find that entirely but I have better odds in a big city! There is no hope for me in this Republican bubble....

Just in general I don't feel as welcome here as I used to; I feel myself being phased out. Part of those feelings do exist due to my own personality flaws but a portion of it is the environment itself. I am feeling extremely torn and conflicted by need and sincere desire to leave and stay at the same time.

I cannot pin point the deeper reason why but I am just not as happy to be here as I had anticipated. I have been trying to convince myself otherwise, but I can't hide from my strange disappointment and frustrations. Maybe if I do a better job of facing it I can make it go away. I can find a way to feel home here again.

I wish I had a Jay here....he knows how to make me feel better without me even knowing that I needed to be comforted...

This too shall pass...

Potentially its just the time of year it is for me. Most of the time, lately, I'm ok just slightly missing Wil and trying to celebrate his life. It helps that new years isn't as bad as it used to be now that I look at is as a day for Matt and I to celebrate, but his birthday still slightly kills me. He would have been 21 this year which I think he would have loved and been so excited. I don't want this to be so hard for me to deal with but it still is and maybe that is why I really want to get the tattoo soon. I think it would make me feel good to get it as a celebration of what should have been his 21st. Maybe its something I just need to go out on my own and do....i dont know, I just want to fill the pain with something good and I still haven't found the best way to do that. Maybe when I am out in the world advocating for Native Americans and Gay Rights I should also consider doing something with suicide awareness. I always thought it should be something that I needed to avoid, but maybe I need to face it head on. I don't care how childish it is to admit this but I just want him back; a connection like the one we had can't be something that just vanishes in the night and never returns again. I can still hear his voice in my head if I try hard enough; him my brother and Steven and Adam will always be my favorite part of my childhood. And Wil will always be one of the few people that just understood me for being the way that I was without criticism and I can't always say I did the same for him.

I just can't believe on New Years it will be four years without him. I guess I will at least always have Black by Burning Vegas as an outlet for the loss. I just need to keep finding constructive ways of dealing with all of this.