Yesterday

So I got through yesterday; as if it was simply like any other day to me. I guess it does get easier with time. I really thought I would hit a point where I would just fall apart but I didn't. I had one small moment of tears in the car but it didn't last long and those come and go sometimes anyways. I told myself I would take a shot for him to horror the fact that it should have been his 21st but I'm not disappointed that I did not even bother...its a week day; therefore unnecessary.

I do miss him though. He was the one person I was willing to get in trouble for. I almost stole something once and it was because he was egging me on...that was so long ago. I'm glad that I didn't go through with it but the situation is funny to me now. What would my life look like now if things were different? Maybe I would not have even chosen this career...? I blame my relationship with and the actions of my father for this position most of the time, but maybe there is more to it than I thought. Maybe because I was never able to fix anything for him I am trying to spend my life fixing something for someone just so I don't have to blame myself so much. I guess the same goes for Jenna; I was always the leader and always in charge and I failed both of them. I could not be the role model I wanted to be for them; I could not make a difference. Will I ever make a significant difference for someone one day? I suppose I will spend my life trying to find out. Trying to heal these wounds and feel better than OK again.

His death will always effect who I am in this life...

Wil, you should have been here to see the day.

"Where did I go wrong, I lost a friend
Somewhere along in the bitterness
And I would have stayed up with you all night
Had I known how to save a life"

I'm glad I knew you....