Still Feeling Unusual

I know that no one can ever tell you how you will feel when things are changing and milestones pass by and you realize you really aren't a kid anymore...but I didn't expect to feel so strange. I'm not unhappy, in fact I really like how my life is playing out and I am enjoying myself, yet I just feel out of sorts. Something is not quite right and I cannot seem to put a finger on it. I really like Case, this social work program is more than I could have ever asked for and I love my placement so far; its a great improvement from my undergrad placement. Living with my family is so much better than I thought it could be. We are all getting along and my brother and I are closer than we have been in years and I cannot express in enough words how much that means to me. We really have done a lot of growing up in the last few years...or in my brother case, the last six or so months. I have also been taking better care of myself physically with my Wii Fit and a better diet with a lot more fruits and vegetables.

I ate mushrooms last weekend and I didn't totally dislike them...they could grow on me. I think next time I eat pizza I want to get mushrooms and red peppers.

Although sleep could be a huge factor in my strange feeling. I am just so busy...I am not getting enough Zzzzz. I do not have a single day off, between class, work, and placement, with the exception of every other Saturday and I will be spending those days getting caught up and ahead on reading and papers. My finances are great right now but I should be getting my stipend soon which will help. That could be a factor in my lack of sleep as well because I sit there worrying. My credit cards are almost maxed out and I only have one hundred dollars to my name...I've been letting myself stay in denial about it. Oh well...I'm twenty three and in grad school...I'm suppose to be broke, right?

Matt and I are doing pretty well. We have had a lot of ups and downs this summer but we are really trying to get through it. He is back on adderal which should really help since he will be able to hold a conversation again. Prior to this I constantly felt like I missed him even when he was around me because he wasn't the same person and I didn't know how to help. But things are looking up so I'm staying positive!

I just really wish my mom would let me have a puppy!!!!

Questions and Answers

I haven't really written anything in a while. I've been having trouble grasping time and planning out my path but things are starting to become much clearer. Despite the fact that my three day orientation into Case was exhausting and at times a little stressful, I got through it and a lot of questions were answered. I feel fairly prepared for what I am about to embark on and that is helping me stay calm. Although it is still very strange to me to be starting this program instead of going back to Miami this week. In a strange way I feel as if I am cheating on Miami...

On another note I did meet a lot of really great people this week and I can see myself forming some great friendships with a few of them. I think it will be very helpful to my career and myself to have social work friends that I can stay in contact with and that I can discuss matters that only they can really understand.

As for my living situation it has been going surprisingly well. I do know that once I really get knee deep in my master's program, like by the end of next week, I really need to start spending more time at the Caribou Coffee down the street. My family does not and cannot understand what I will be going through I need to remain focused. I also know that I cannot spend too much more time with my mom or we will start to have issues. A part of me does wish a little bit everyday I could get a place on my own but I know this is what I have to do for now. Once I start getting my stipend I will really be able to get a head and then by graduation time next year I will be in a good enough position to be on my own or with a roommate, if need be.

Things are really looking up and I feel quite elated!

Moving In!

So we received the keys earlier this evening and we are finally moving into the new house! I wish I didn't have to work in the morning so I could just continue it right when I wake up tomorrow but at least I only work until 1pm. I'm hoping I can get my bed set up tomorrow and maybe my mom and I can have the kitchen finished, with the exception of the refrigerator and stove since we still need to buy those. I also will not be able to have my room organized for a while since I have to get a dresser and a desk yet...

Oh well this is all very excited and I am so very proud of my mom!!! :)

Field Placement

Hospice was not what I originally thought of doing for my placement or my career but maybe somethings really are just destined to happen. It makes sense that I would find more comfort being surrounded by death and those that are dying being that death has been very real to me since the age of seven. I think this career path will allow me to have that clinical aspect joining a holistic mind, body and soul approach along with more compassion than I would have found at the Cleveland Clinic or Metro Health. It really is the best of both worlds for me and I hope if I like it as much as I think I will I can find a career in it after graduation. It is definitely comforting to know that all the money and plans, with the exception of scheduling classes, is all done with. My only other concern is preparing for my licensing exam and acquiring the money to pay for it. I wasn't too happy when I found out I had to take the exam but it will be kind of nice to be an official licensed social worker.

Rascal Flatts-Why

It must’ a been a place so dark, couldn’t feel the light
Reachin’ for you through that stormy cloud
Now here we are gathered in our little home town
This can’t be the way you meant to draw a crowd
Oh why that’s what I keep askin’
Was there anything I could have said or done
Oh I had no clue you were masking a troubled soul, god only knows
What went wrong and why you’d leave the stage in the middle of a song
Mmmmmmm
Now in my mind I keep you frozen as a seventeen year old
Rounding third to score the winning run
You always played with passion no matter what the game
When you took the stage you shined just like the sun
Oh why that’s what I keep askin’
Was there anything I could have said or done
Oh I had no clue you were masking the troubled soul, god only knows
What went wrong and why you’d leave the stage in the middle of a song
Yah yah yah
Now the oak trees are swayin’ in the early autumn breeze
The golden sun is shining on my face
The tangled thoughts I hear a mockingbird sing
This old world really ain’t that bad a place
Oh why there’s no comprehending
And who am I to try to judge or explain
Oh but I do have one burning question
Who told you life wasn’t worth the fight
They were wrong
They lied
And now you’re gone
And we cried
Cause It’s not like you to walk away in the middle of a song
Your beautiful song
Your absolutely beautiful song

It is as if this song was written for him...and I know it is sadly the story for many people but I do not believe I have ever had a song impact me so personally. I feel him and I get goosebumps every time I listen to it. I just miss him so much lately. I feel as though it is because I'm officially back home and now more than ever I know that he is truly gone; that everything has changed and life has gone on without him. I'm grateful for my tattoo but it forces me to face the truth constantly and I like that I think about him more than ever but it is not always an easy thing to do.

Tattoo

So the day is finally around the corner; I'm getting my tattoo tomorrow! I believe I will feel more complete and be more at peace once I have my tattoo. I really would have preferred to have had it done around the anniversary of Wil's death but at least it will be easier to take care of in the summer. I can't believe its already been four and a half years without Wil. I miss him everyday and now I can officially honor his life in a manner that is permanent and will stay with me everywhere I go. I can't even explain how much I think I need this and I'm so excited that its going to happen tomorrow!

I am also so happy that my family is coming with me. I am so lucky that I have a mom that thinks this is wonderful and wants to watch me get it. I really need to make sure I do not take my family for granted and perhaps this tattoo can even symbolize that.

No Longer Long Distance

So as the clock continues to tick and as I begin to get comfortable in my own skin again, my perspectives shifts in a positive direction. Matt is recovering quickly and his positive attitude is coming back. We are doing to much better than I had anticipated. The sooner this knee situation comes to an end the sooner he can get his life back on track and then we can get our life together back on track. I feel so hopeful about this. There are still a few doctor's appointments and physical therapy sessions remaining but in about six weeks he will probably be able to return to work and then in the fall he can go back to school. He amazes me everyday and I am so proud of the man that he is and is still trying to become. It is such a relief to finally, for the first time in my life, be part of a normal short distance relationship. I am grateful for many of the obstacles that we had to go through as a couple to become what we are but it is nice to know that when August hits I do not have to leave him anymore; that I can start to slow down a bit and enjoy each day.

I am also super excited for my Mom and I can't wait until we move in to the house! Secondly, I received my graduation/birthday present from Matt yesterday; yay for Wii!!!! The Wii Fit is also awesome and I hope I can stick with a exercise schedule!

All in all, life is good!