I guess I will just smile

So I'm not getting in trouble for getting caught with Boo! I'm pretty ecstatic about that. I have a lot to be happy about and a lot of appreciate right now...but the strange thing is I feel like crying. I can't tell if its sad tears, happy tears or just plan overwhelmed with emotion tears that want to come out. Generally, I know that I feel happy and loved so I think for now I will just smile. The worst of everything is over. I do have a few more assignments to do but nothing of real importance; I'm done. I'm really done. This is actually happening. I beat the odds on so many levels. I'm proving that a working class girl from a divorced family can go to college and graduate in the four years. And I've done just as well as everybody else. I've stepped over another stone that symbolizes that my story is not a sad one but a beautiful one. My future options are endless and the world is calling out to me now.

Just a few more items to check off my list of things I need to do and then that is that. So for now I will just smile because I know the tears will be coming soon enough.

What Now...?

So Boo is gone. I did what I was told to do, but what now? This son of a bitch has continued to ignore my email and has not contacted me in any other way. WTF. Am I going to court? Will I be fined? Is this over or is it just barely beginning? This is going to be my final days at Miami...really? I hate this. I realize I fucked up and fine I will pay the price for my mistake but let me do it now. This waiting and waiting is killing me. And now she is gone and leaving here is more real than ever. I don't like it here without her. I keep feeling like I forgot to feed her and she should be in my face reminding me right now. I know this is silly because I will see her shortly but I will never see her here again and that is what is making me feel strange. I feel sad and I want to but this is such a stupid thing to cry about.

What if they hold my diploma? What if I can't mail my final transcript to Case? What if my future is about to get fucked up because I had a cat in my apartment? My stomach hurts so much I can barely eat...

And to top it all off I got a not so great evaluation from my supervisor....fuck me!

Words

Words words words

Why must people speak to each other with such harsh words? Does it make them feel better? Does pain make them feel better? I am sorry if I sound ignorant but I do not understand how hurting someone else makes a person feel better. Whenever I have hurt someone I usually feel worse...but maybe I'm the one that has it wrong. I thought giving back to people and doing compassionate and consider things made one feel better; but maybe I'm the stupid one.

When they look down on me an speak to me like I'm just the stupid one I begin to feel like they are right; THEY ARE WRONG! Good luck getting through life making people feel small...that only lasts so long before people will not want to be around them anymore.

I don't let anyone else get away with talking to me like that; why do I let them? After years and years of verbal abuse from my father I left. I left and I never went back; estranged. Granted the physical abuse is what pushed me enough to open the door and walk out...yet those wounds have healed but the verbal and emotional abuse still lingers within me. Words, words, words....they alter who we are and who we become. I have overcome and I will not take those words anymore! I am stronger...I am a survivor of abuse! I will not be a victim anymore! Two weeks and then I go to the place where no one can get away with speaking to me as if I am inferior to them! I have stayed quiet for too long and now I'm done!

Words change everything...someday I hope they learn that before they push everyone away.

Love and Honor

Love and Honor may be used to Miami the institution but in reality we have love and honor for the memories and for those that became family. This is it...we are getting closer and closer to the day and we cannot ignore or escape it anymore. Everything we are that college made us is about to place us out in the world. Our bubble is about to burst and make room for those that will come to fill our places. Those that will make what we made here. I realize college isn't for everyone but it has made me who I am today and a part of me wishes everyone could do what I did here.

I am better than I was before I came here and my friendship are better than they were when I left. Even those that are a part of who I was in the past that have grown with me through the distance, we appreciate who we have become and are closer than ever before. I am hitting a point in my life where I value who I am and the decisions I have made and my regrets are minimal...and I think even I deserve this. I love better than I ever could before. I communicate in a manner that is more mature than it was four years ago. I am different; I am better.

I love what we did here. We grew up here and what we had here will never be comparable to anything else for the rest of our lives...

I know deep inside I am ready to move on from Miami but moving on from the life I made for myself here, my home, is another story. I will miss this; I will miss you.

I will look back and remember the best moments: jumping in the water fountain, climbing a tree on campus, meditating with a Buddhist monk, getting yelled at for bowling in the hall way, saving Boo, student manager pub crawls, sitting on the steps of Withrow Court with Gina and talking for hours, playing in the snow the day class was canceled, Roxy, Barn and Bunk, VIP Video, donating my hair, Relay for Life, FSWSO, bowling with Matt and Greg at Oxford Lanes and kicking their butts, the old Goggin, all the free gourmet food at work, the hours upon hours we have watched Friends in this apartment, the random conversations Icaria and I had when we lived together, the dining halls, the pretzels, the ice cream adventures, hide and seek in academic quad, the Princess, After Dark, Kings Island, Spamalot, Spring Break (ie New York City and Florida), cornstarch, Halloween...this list could go on and on and on so I will just end with the thought of the blackout and all the fun we had that night...

This place will always be a piece of who I am and I will never forget.

It's not enough to say that I miss you

I feel so untouched
And I want you so much
That I just can't resist you
It's not enough to say that I miss you
I feel so untouched right now
Need you so much somehow
I can't forget you
Been going crazy from the moment I met you

Decision Made

I have my final plan and that is such a relief. It is good to know that I am wanted and even though people, everyday, make me out to feel stupid and I have spent my life trying to prove many wrong and now I am successful. Case not only accepted me but they have offered me a great deal of money because they must want me. They must believe that I will represent them greatly. One of the finest schools and one of the top social work programs thinks I'm worth something. After the way I have been feeling lately I need that. Now when I am the punch line of the joke I can focus how I am worth something great and I will make an incredible difference in this world and for people I have yet to meet. I am going to continue to have the life I want; the life I have worked so hard for! I'm shooting for the stars now! I am going to go to Case with my thousands in scholarship and stipend money and I am going to get my dream job. I am going to save people in my profession and animals in my free time! I will not just survive but I am going to really live! After grad school I will never work a day in my life because I will love my career so much it will never be work! I will be a living cliche and love every minute of it! Now that my future is more concrete I truly feel like today is the beginning of the rest of my life!

Wow....I can't even explain just how great I feel right now!

Sunday- The Day of Lost Animals

Boo was found on a Sunday. I will never regret saving her; even when she is very mischievous. Yet, no matter how much I love this one cat, in general I will always be more of a dog person.

Ever since the loss of Hannah and the day I had to say goodbye to Madison there has been something missing, somewhat of a void. Boo does a fairly good job of keeping this in check for me but it never goes away. Maybe it is because I feel guilty that I had to give Madison away and I need to find away to clear my conscience. I am not quite sure how to explain it completely but I do know that the seventeen hours I had that stray dog, Roxy, in my possession I felt a little more complete. I know I did the right thing but it hurts...

Today is going to be a long day.

We saved a life but no good deed goes unpunished...