Adjusting to Transitions

I've been staying positive yet this has all been a lot harder than I could have anticipated. I am still struggling with trying to find where I fit back into all this now and trying to figure out who I am here. I am a changed person; changed for the better. And people have changed here as well.

Once I have a physical place to call home I hope that I will feel a stronger sense of belonging. For right now it is just too overwhelming to live in the spare room at Matt's parents house. My mom is getting close to putting a bid on the condo that we love and I really hope it all works out; not just for me but for her and my brother as well. As a family we really need some stability and I think this will be so good for us. My mom and I are getting along better than ever. I think we just see who we have become and how much we have both evolved. My mom has made her mistakes in the past but so have I; I was never the perfect daughter. She really does want to do what is best for both my brother and I and I think that things will turn out quite well.

I am also seeing that my friendships have changed, therefore I am learning where to go from here. I think Sarah and I are going to get closer again and I am truly grateful for that; she has a good heart. I am not sure what will happen for Meghan and I, everything really is different now. We are both trying but this is an obvious level of tension linger below the words we say. Amanda and I are just as we have always been and I could not be happier about her and my brother being back together. Besides my cousin Jenna, Amanda really is the closest I have ever had to having a sister since she really is pretty much a part of my family. It is as if she was always meant to be with us through it all. I just need to hit a point where I officially feel connected again.

Boo is handling this all very well. Although she is clingier with me than she has ever been before. She cuddles with me at night now and she follows me from room to room. At times she even pounds on the door when I take a shower because she wants/needs to be near me. When I first returned I had to leave the bathroom door open and she would just sit either outside the tub or on the side of the tub and cry for me to get out. Its very cute and funny but I hope that eventually she realizes that I am not going to leave her. Its really nice to be loved that much by her now. I feel needed and I think that I need that right now. Its strange how things really tend to work out as they are suppose to...

I like being back at Sherwin Williams but I do sort of wish I took some time off before I threw myself back into work again; unfortunately my finances did not allow such a vacation.

As for Case I already interviewed with my field placement advisor and he sent me three locations that I need to research and interview. Once Matt recovers a little more I think I will schedule those interviews so that I can place a check in that box. I am slightly annoyed that I cannot register for classes for a little while because now I am in my grace period for my loans and I need to register to continue deferment. I am also concerned with the fact that my medical insurance goes up on my birthday and I will not have insurance through Case until I start classes. There is a lot for me to figure out but I am slowly transitioning into this new life.

This is it

I thought I would feel so full of emotion and excited and this is one of the most amazing days of my life...but I just feel frozen. I feel like I am standing still and this is all just something that is happening to me instead of it being something that I did for myself. I do have a lot of emotion at times and I know I will, for a long time, feel proud and miss the life I built here but for right now I just feel like I can't even move. I can't even fathom what this all really means....

Really....?!?!

Fuck you Joe!!! You have no idea what it means to be a parent!

Changing

I'm standing tall.

I'm a better me.

I'm a stronger me.

I love harder.

I care more.

Wider focus.

People make life worth living.

Adult perspectives.

Holding onto what is real.

Yet still dreaming...

Bright future.

Appreciate today.

Appreciate life!

I really am going to be OK.

I am going to be great!

I guess I will just smile

So I'm not getting in trouble for getting caught with Boo! I'm pretty ecstatic about that. I have a lot to be happy about and a lot of appreciate right now...but the strange thing is I feel like crying. I can't tell if its sad tears, happy tears or just plan overwhelmed with emotion tears that want to come out. Generally, I know that I feel happy and loved so I think for now I will just smile. The worst of everything is over. I do have a few more assignments to do but nothing of real importance; I'm done. I'm really done. This is actually happening. I beat the odds on so many levels. I'm proving that a working class girl from a divorced family can go to college and graduate in the four years. And I've done just as well as everybody else. I've stepped over another stone that symbolizes that my story is not a sad one but a beautiful one. My future options are endless and the world is calling out to me now.

Just a few more items to check off my list of things I need to do and then that is that. So for now I will just smile because I know the tears will be coming soon enough.

What Now...?

So Boo is gone. I did what I was told to do, but what now? This son of a bitch has continued to ignore my email and has not contacted me in any other way. WTF. Am I going to court? Will I be fined? Is this over or is it just barely beginning? This is going to be my final days at Miami...really? I hate this. I realize I fucked up and fine I will pay the price for my mistake but let me do it now. This waiting and waiting is killing me. And now she is gone and leaving here is more real than ever. I don't like it here without her. I keep feeling like I forgot to feed her and she should be in my face reminding me right now. I know this is silly because I will see her shortly but I will never see her here again and that is what is making me feel strange. I feel sad and I want to but this is such a stupid thing to cry about.

What if they hold my diploma? What if I can't mail my final transcript to Case? What if my future is about to get fucked up because I had a cat in my apartment? My stomach hurts so much I can barely eat...

And to top it all off I got a not so great evaluation from my supervisor....fuck me!

Words

Words words words

Why must people speak to each other with such harsh words? Does it make them feel better? Does pain make them feel better? I am sorry if I sound ignorant but I do not understand how hurting someone else makes a person feel better. Whenever I have hurt someone I usually feel worse...but maybe I'm the one that has it wrong. I thought giving back to people and doing compassionate and consider things made one feel better; but maybe I'm the stupid one.

When they look down on me an speak to me like I'm just the stupid one I begin to feel like they are right; THEY ARE WRONG! Good luck getting through life making people feel small...that only lasts so long before people will not want to be around them anymore.

I don't let anyone else get away with talking to me like that; why do I let them? After years and years of verbal abuse from my father I left. I left and I never went back; estranged. Granted the physical abuse is what pushed me enough to open the door and walk out...yet those wounds have healed but the verbal and emotional abuse still lingers within me. Words, words, words....they alter who we are and who we become. I have overcome and I will not take those words anymore! I am stronger...I am a survivor of abuse! I will not be a victim anymore! Two weeks and then I go to the place where no one can get away with speaking to me as if I am inferior to them! I have stayed quiet for too long and now I'm done!

Words change everything...someday I hope they learn that before they push everyone away.