Moving In!

So we received the keys earlier this evening and we are finally moving into the new house! I wish I didn't have to work in the morning so I could just continue it right when I wake up tomorrow but at least I only work until 1pm. I'm hoping I can get my bed set up tomorrow and maybe my mom and I can have the kitchen finished, with the exception of the refrigerator and stove since we still need to buy those. I also will not be able to have my room organized for a while since I have to get a dresser and a desk yet...

Oh well this is all very excited and I am so very proud of my mom!!! :)

Field Placement

Hospice was not what I originally thought of doing for my placement or my career but maybe somethings really are just destined to happen. It makes sense that I would find more comfort being surrounded by death and those that are dying being that death has been very real to me since the age of seven. I think this career path will allow me to have that clinical aspect joining a holistic mind, body and soul approach along with more compassion than I would have found at the Cleveland Clinic or Metro Health. It really is the best of both worlds for me and I hope if I like it as much as I think I will I can find a career in it after graduation. It is definitely comforting to know that all the money and plans, with the exception of scheduling classes, is all done with. My only other concern is preparing for my licensing exam and acquiring the money to pay for it. I wasn't too happy when I found out I had to take the exam but it will be kind of nice to be an official licensed social worker.

Rascal Flatts-Why

It must’ a been a place so dark, couldn’t feel the light
Reachin’ for you through that stormy cloud
Now here we are gathered in our little home town
This can’t be the way you meant to draw a crowd
Oh why that’s what I keep askin’
Was there anything I could have said or done
Oh I had no clue you were masking a troubled soul, god only knows
What went wrong and why you’d leave the stage in the middle of a song
Mmmmmmm
Now in my mind I keep you frozen as a seventeen year old
Rounding third to score the winning run
You always played with passion no matter what the game
When you took the stage you shined just like the sun
Oh why that’s what I keep askin’
Was there anything I could have said or done
Oh I had no clue you were masking the troubled soul, god only knows
What went wrong and why you’d leave the stage in the middle of a song
Yah yah yah
Now the oak trees are swayin’ in the early autumn breeze
The golden sun is shining on my face
The tangled thoughts I hear a mockingbird sing
This old world really ain’t that bad a place
Oh why there’s no comprehending
And who am I to try to judge or explain
Oh but I do have one burning question
Who told you life wasn’t worth the fight
They were wrong
They lied
And now you’re gone
And we cried
Cause It’s not like you to walk away in the middle of a song
Your beautiful song
Your absolutely beautiful song

It is as if this song was written for him...and I know it is sadly the story for many people but I do not believe I have ever had a song impact me so personally. I feel him and I get goosebumps every time I listen to it. I just miss him so much lately. I feel as though it is because I'm officially back home and now more than ever I know that he is truly gone; that everything has changed and life has gone on without him. I'm grateful for my tattoo but it forces me to face the truth constantly and I like that I think about him more than ever but it is not always an easy thing to do.

Tattoo

So the day is finally around the corner; I'm getting my tattoo tomorrow! I believe I will feel more complete and be more at peace once I have my tattoo. I really would have preferred to have had it done around the anniversary of Wil's death but at least it will be easier to take care of in the summer. I can't believe its already been four and a half years without Wil. I miss him everyday and now I can officially honor his life in a manner that is permanent and will stay with me everywhere I go. I can't even explain how much I think I need this and I'm so excited that its going to happen tomorrow!

I am also so happy that my family is coming with me. I am so lucky that I have a mom that thinks this is wonderful and wants to watch me get it. I really need to make sure I do not take my family for granted and perhaps this tattoo can even symbolize that.

No Longer Long Distance

So as the clock continues to tick and as I begin to get comfortable in my own skin again, my perspectives shifts in a positive direction. Matt is recovering quickly and his positive attitude is coming back. We are doing to much better than I had anticipated. The sooner this knee situation comes to an end the sooner he can get his life back on track and then we can get our life together back on track. I feel so hopeful about this. There are still a few doctor's appointments and physical therapy sessions remaining but in about six weeks he will probably be able to return to work and then in the fall he can go back to school. He amazes me everyday and I am so proud of the man that he is and is still trying to become. It is such a relief to finally, for the first time in my life, be part of a normal short distance relationship. I am grateful for many of the obstacles that we had to go through as a couple to become what we are but it is nice to know that when August hits I do not have to leave him anymore; that I can start to slow down a bit and enjoy each day.

I am also super excited for my Mom and I can't wait until we move in to the house! Secondly, I received my graduation/birthday present from Matt yesterday; yay for Wii!!!! The Wii Fit is also awesome and I hope I can stick with a exercise schedule!

All in all, life is good!

Adjusting to Transitions

I've been staying positive yet this has all been a lot harder than I could have anticipated. I am still struggling with trying to find where I fit back into all this now and trying to figure out who I am here. I am a changed person; changed for the better. And people have changed here as well.

Once I have a physical place to call home I hope that I will feel a stronger sense of belonging. For right now it is just too overwhelming to live in the spare room at Matt's parents house. My mom is getting close to putting a bid on the condo that we love and I really hope it all works out; not just for me but for her and my brother as well. As a family we really need some stability and I think this will be so good for us. My mom and I are getting along better than ever. I think we just see who we have become and how much we have both evolved. My mom has made her mistakes in the past but so have I; I was never the perfect daughter. She really does want to do what is best for both my brother and I and I think that things will turn out quite well.

I am also seeing that my friendships have changed, therefore I am learning where to go from here. I think Sarah and I are going to get closer again and I am truly grateful for that; she has a good heart. I am not sure what will happen for Meghan and I, everything really is different now. We are both trying but this is an obvious level of tension linger below the words we say. Amanda and I are just as we have always been and I could not be happier about her and my brother being back together. Besides my cousin Jenna, Amanda really is the closest I have ever had to having a sister since she really is pretty much a part of my family. It is as if she was always meant to be with us through it all. I just need to hit a point where I officially feel connected again.

Boo is handling this all very well. Although she is clingier with me than she has ever been before. She cuddles with me at night now and she follows me from room to room. At times she even pounds on the door when I take a shower because she wants/needs to be near me. When I first returned I had to leave the bathroom door open and she would just sit either outside the tub or on the side of the tub and cry for me to get out. Its very cute and funny but I hope that eventually she realizes that I am not going to leave her. Its really nice to be loved that much by her now. I feel needed and I think that I need that right now. Its strange how things really tend to work out as they are suppose to...

I like being back at Sherwin Williams but I do sort of wish I took some time off before I threw myself back into work again; unfortunately my finances did not allow such a vacation.

As for Case I already interviewed with my field placement advisor and he sent me three locations that I need to research and interview. Once Matt recovers a little more I think I will schedule those interviews so that I can place a check in that box. I am slightly annoyed that I cannot register for classes for a little while because now I am in my grace period for my loans and I need to register to continue deferment. I am also concerned with the fact that my medical insurance goes up on my birthday and I will not have insurance through Case until I start classes. There is a lot for me to figure out but I am slowly transitioning into this new life.

This is it

I thought I would feel so full of emotion and excited and this is one of the most amazing days of my life...but I just feel frozen. I feel like I am standing still and this is all just something that is happening to me instead of it being something that I did for myself. I do have a lot of emotion at times and I know I will, for a long time, feel proud and miss the life I built here but for right now I just feel like I can't even move. I can't even fathom what this all really means....