Transitions

I feel as though I may have had this as a title for a post at some other point...

Well I have been realizing lately that I am absolutely in love with my life, which is a great feeling! I finally feel back home in Cleveland! I think for this phase in my life that my current living arrangement is perfect and I am so happy! I am getting along well with all of my family and friends and Matt and I are doing so well! Matt just moved to Lakewood this week and its wonderful! We are for the first time in almost 4 years of dating not long distance! Even though it has been a lot easier with him in Chesterland and me here, it was still an hour drive which was no picnic with our busy schedules. Now we can save money on gas and pollute the environment less. He is also far enough in Lakewood that we won't be tempted to see each other too much.

I was very sad earlier this month about the whole dog situation, but I really like the combination of Boo and Toby. Boo loves him and its been great seeing such a playful side of her.

I had an informal interview at hospice the other day and I'm pretty sure the job I want is mine! I am so excited to be done with school and move into being a real adult and with my 24th birthday around the corner I am starting have moments were I am like "Holy shit I'm an adult."

I am also very excited for the 3 Day Walk and for the first family vacation to Tennessee!

So things are pretty great right now....even though I am scared out of my mind about being grown up lol

Haunted by the Past

I can't say that I'm feeling that upbeat today. Reading 80 pages about suicide and how to prevent it as a social worker is necessary but brings upon guilty feelings. It makes me desire some sincere comfort that I can't seem to find anywhere. I went to the cemetery yesterday....did a lot of crying.

I am desperately trying to get my mom's permission to get a puppy. I have been very sincerely and obsessed about this and I was not really sure why until recently. I think I'm still so upset with her that I do not have Madison and I feel like she owes me. I have had to do so much on my own....yet she still talks to me like I'm a child. I do not need to be reminded of the work I have to do. I go nonstop and I am not going to feel guilty when I take a break from all this chaos.

She was telling me the other day about how badly she wanted to buy me Madison because she knew when I was thirteen I really needed a dog but when I was 19 she did nothing to help me keep her. I had no other option and I had to lose something else extremely important to me. I have been doing the best I can to forgive and let go but I do not feel very forgiving tonight. I feel upset and I need some comfort but instead I have to sit here and read more about suicide....

Sometimes I love it here and sometimes I want to run away and not even look behind me...I guess that is what transition is all about.

Still Feeling Unusual

I know that no one can ever tell you how you will feel when things are changing and milestones pass by and you realize you really aren't a kid anymore...but I didn't expect to feel so strange. I'm not unhappy, in fact I really like how my life is playing out and I am enjoying myself, yet I just feel out of sorts. Something is not quite right and I cannot seem to put a finger on it. I really like Case, this social work program is more than I could have ever asked for and I love my placement so far; its a great improvement from my undergrad placement. Living with my family is so much better than I thought it could be. We are all getting along and my brother and I are closer than we have been in years and I cannot express in enough words how much that means to me. We really have done a lot of growing up in the last few years...or in my brother case, the last six or so months. I have also been taking better care of myself physically with my Wii Fit and a better diet with a lot more fruits and vegetables.

I ate mushrooms last weekend and I didn't totally dislike them...they could grow on me. I think next time I eat pizza I want to get mushrooms and red peppers.

Although sleep could be a huge factor in my strange feeling. I am just so busy...I am not getting enough Zzzzz. I do not have a single day off, between class, work, and placement, with the exception of every other Saturday and I will be spending those days getting caught up and ahead on reading and papers. My finances are great right now but I should be getting my stipend soon which will help. That could be a factor in my lack of sleep as well because I sit there worrying. My credit cards are almost maxed out and I only have one hundred dollars to my name...I've been letting myself stay in denial about it. Oh well...I'm twenty three and in grad school...I'm suppose to be broke, right?

Matt and I are doing pretty well. We have had a lot of ups and downs this summer but we are really trying to get through it. He is back on adderal which should really help since he will be able to hold a conversation again. Prior to this I constantly felt like I missed him even when he was around me because he wasn't the same person and I didn't know how to help. But things are looking up so I'm staying positive!

I just really wish my mom would let me have a puppy!!!!

Questions and Answers

I haven't really written anything in a while. I've been having trouble grasping time and planning out my path but things are starting to become much clearer. Despite the fact that my three day orientation into Case was exhausting and at times a little stressful, I got through it and a lot of questions were answered. I feel fairly prepared for what I am about to embark on and that is helping me stay calm. Although it is still very strange to me to be starting this program instead of going back to Miami this week. In a strange way I feel as if I am cheating on Miami...

On another note I did meet a lot of really great people this week and I can see myself forming some great friendships with a few of them. I think it will be very helpful to my career and myself to have social work friends that I can stay in contact with and that I can discuss matters that only they can really understand.

As for my living situation it has been going surprisingly well. I do know that once I really get knee deep in my master's program, like by the end of next week, I really need to start spending more time at the Caribou Coffee down the street. My family does not and cannot understand what I will be going through I need to remain focused. I also know that I cannot spend too much more time with my mom or we will start to have issues. A part of me does wish a little bit everyday I could get a place on my own but I know this is what I have to do for now. Once I start getting my stipend I will really be able to get a head and then by graduation time next year I will be in a good enough position to be on my own or with a roommate, if need be.

Things are really looking up and I feel quite elated!

Moving In!

So we received the keys earlier this evening and we are finally moving into the new house! I wish I didn't have to work in the morning so I could just continue it right when I wake up tomorrow but at least I only work until 1pm. I'm hoping I can get my bed set up tomorrow and maybe my mom and I can have the kitchen finished, with the exception of the refrigerator and stove since we still need to buy those. I also will not be able to have my room organized for a while since I have to get a dresser and a desk yet...

Oh well this is all very excited and I am so very proud of my mom!!! :)

Field Placement

Hospice was not what I originally thought of doing for my placement or my career but maybe somethings really are just destined to happen. It makes sense that I would find more comfort being surrounded by death and those that are dying being that death has been very real to me since the age of seven. I think this career path will allow me to have that clinical aspect joining a holistic mind, body and soul approach along with more compassion than I would have found at the Cleveland Clinic or Metro Health. It really is the best of both worlds for me and I hope if I like it as much as I think I will I can find a career in it after graduation. It is definitely comforting to know that all the money and plans, with the exception of scheduling classes, is all done with. My only other concern is preparing for my licensing exam and acquiring the money to pay for it. I wasn't too happy when I found out I had to take the exam but it will be kind of nice to be an official licensed social worker.

Rascal Flatts-Why

It must’ a been a place so dark, couldn’t feel the light
Reachin’ for you through that stormy cloud
Now here we are gathered in our little home town
This can’t be the way you meant to draw a crowd
Oh why that’s what I keep askin’
Was there anything I could have said or done
Oh I had no clue you were masking a troubled soul, god only knows
What went wrong and why you’d leave the stage in the middle of a song
Mmmmmmm
Now in my mind I keep you frozen as a seventeen year old
Rounding third to score the winning run
You always played with passion no matter what the game
When you took the stage you shined just like the sun
Oh why that’s what I keep askin’
Was there anything I could have said or done
Oh I had no clue you were masking the troubled soul, god only knows
What went wrong and why you’d leave the stage in the middle of a song
Yah yah yah
Now the oak trees are swayin’ in the early autumn breeze
The golden sun is shining on my face
The tangled thoughts I hear a mockingbird sing
This old world really ain’t that bad a place
Oh why there’s no comprehending
And who am I to try to judge or explain
Oh but I do have one burning question
Who told you life wasn’t worth the fight
They were wrong
They lied
And now you’re gone
And we cried
Cause It’s not like you to walk away in the middle of a song
Your beautiful song
Your absolutely beautiful song

It is as if this song was written for him...and I know it is sadly the story for many people but I do not believe I have ever had a song impact me so personally. I feel him and I get goosebumps every time I listen to it. I just miss him so much lately. I feel as though it is because I'm officially back home and now more than ever I know that he is truly gone; that everything has changed and life has gone on without him. I'm grateful for my tattoo but it forces me to face the truth constantly and I like that I think about him more than ever but it is not always an easy thing to do.

Tattoo

So the day is finally around the corner; I'm getting my tattoo tomorrow! I believe I will feel more complete and be more at peace once I have my tattoo. I really would have preferred to have had it done around the anniversary of Wil's death but at least it will be easier to take care of in the summer. I can't believe its already been four and a half years without Wil. I miss him everyday and now I can officially honor his life in a manner that is permanent and will stay with me everywhere I go. I can't even explain how much I think I need this and I'm so excited that its going to happen tomorrow!

I am also so happy that my family is coming with me. I am so lucky that I have a mom that thinks this is wonderful and wants to watch me get it. I really need to make sure I do not take my family for granted and perhaps this tattoo can even symbolize that.

No Longer Long Distance

So as the clock continues to tick and as I begin to get comfortable in my own skin again, my perspectives shifts in a positive direction. Matt is recovering quickly and his positive attitude is coming back. We are doing to much better than I had anticipated. The sooner this knee situation comes to an end the sooner he can get his life back on track and then we can get our life together back on track. I feel so hopeful about this. There are still a few doctor's appointments and physical therapy sessions remaining but in about six weeks he will probably be able to return to work and then in the fall he can go back to school. He amazes me everyday and I am so proud of the man that he is and is still trying to become. It is such a relief to finally, for the first time in my life, be part of a normal short distance relationship. I am grateful for many of the obstacles that we had to go through as a couple to become what we are but it is nice to know that when August hits I do not have to leave him anymore; that I can start to slow down a bit and enjoy each day.

I am also super excited for my Mom and I can't wait until we move in to the house! Secondly, I received my graduation/birthday present from Matt yesterday; yay for Wii!!!! The Wii Fit is also awesome and I hope I can stick with a exercise schedule!

All in all, life is good!

Adjusting to Transitions

I've been staying positive yet this has all been a lot harder than I could have anticipated. I am still struggling with trying to find where I fit back into all this now and trying to figure out who I am here. I am a changed person; changed for the better. And people have changed here as well.

Once I have a physical place to call home I hope that I will feel a stronger sense of belonging. For right now it is just too overwhelming to live in the spare room at Matt's parents house. My mom is getting close to putting a bid on the condo that we love and I really hope it all works out; not just for me but for her and my brother as well. As a family we really need some stability and I think this will be so good for us. My mom and I are getting along better than ever. I think we just see who we have become and how much we have both evolved. My mom has made her mistakes in the past but so have I; I was never the perfect daughter. She really does want to do what is best for both my brother and I and I think that things will turn out quite well.

I am also seeing that my friendships have changed, therefore I am learning where to go from here. I think Sarah and I are going to get closer again and I am truly grateful for that; she has a good heart. I am not sure what will happen for Meghan and I, everything really is different now. We are both trying but this is an obvious level of tension linger below the words we say. Amanda and I are just as we have always been and I could not be happier about her and my brother being back together. Besides my cousin Jenna, Amanda really is the closest I have ever had to having a sister since she really is pretty much a part of my family. It is as if she was always meant to be with us through it all. I just need to hit a point where I officially feel connected again.

Boo is handling this all very well. Although she is clingier with me than she has ever been before. She cuddles with me at night now and she follows me from room to room. At times she even pounds on the door when I take a shower because she wants/needs to be near me. When I first returned I had to leave the bathroom door open and she would just sit either outside the tub or on the side of the tub and cry for me to get out. Its very cute and funny but I hope that eventually she realizes that I am not going to leave her. Its really nice to be loved that much by her now. I feel needed and I think that I need that right now. Its strange how things really tend to work out as they are suppose to...

I like being back at Sherwin Williams but I do sort of wish I took some time off before I threw myself back into work again; unfortunately my finances did not allow such a vacation.

As for Case I already interviewed with my field placement advisor and he sent me three locations that I need to research and interview. Once Matt recovers a little more I think I will schedule those interviews so that I can place a check in that box. I am slightly annoyed that I cannot register for classes for a little while because now I am in my grace period for my loans and I need to register to continue deferment. I am also concerned with the fact that my medical insurance goes up on my birthday and I will not have insurance through Case until I start classes. There is a lot for me to figure out but I am slowly transitioning into this new life.

This is it

I thought I would feel so full of emotion and excited and this is one of the most amazing days of my life...but I just feel frozen. I feel like I am standing still and this is all just something that is happening to me instead of it being something that I did for myself. I do have a lot of emotion at times and I know I will, for a long time, feel proud and miss the life I built here but for right now I just feel like I can't even move. I can't even fathom what this all really means....

Really....?!?!

Fuck you Joe!!! You have no idea what it means to be a parent!

Changing

I'm standing tall.

I'm a better me.

I'm a stronger me.

I love harder.

I care more.

Wider focus.

People make life worth living.

Adult perspectives.

Holding onto what is real.

Yet still dreaming...

Bright future.

Appreciate today.

Appreciate life!

I really am going to be OK.

I am going to be great!

I guess I will just smile

So I'm not getting in trouble for getting caught with Boo! I'm pretty ecstatic about that. I have a lot to be happy about and a lot of appreciate right now...but the strange thing is I feel like crying. I can't tell if its sad tears, happy tears or just plan overwhelmed with emotion tears that want to come out. Generally, I know that I feel happy and loved so I think for now I will just smile. The worst of everything is over. I do have a few more assignments to do but nothing of real importance; I'm done. I'm really done. This is actually happening. I beat the odds on so many levels. I'm proving that a working class girl from a divorced family can go to college and graduate in the four years. And I've done just as well as everybody else. I've stepped over another stone that symbolizes that my story is not a sad one but a beautiful one. My future options are endless and the world is calling out to me now.

Just a few more items to check off my list of things I need to do and then that is that. So for now I will just smile because I know the tears will be coming soon enough.

What Now...?

So Boo is gone. I did what I was told to do, but what now? This son of a bitch has continued to ignore my email and has not contacted me in any other way. WTF. Am I going to court? Will I be fined? Is this over or is it just barely beginning? This is going to be my final days at Miami...really? I hate this. I realize I fucked up and fine I will pay the price for my mistake but let me do it now. This waiting and waiting is killing me. And now she is gone and leaving here is more real than ever. I don't like it here without her. I keep feeling like I forgot to feed her and she should be in my face reminding me right now. I know this is silly because I will see her shortly but I will never see her here again and that is what is making me feel strange. I feel sad and I want to but this is such a stupid thing to cry about.

What if they hold my diploma? What if I can't mail my final transcript to Case? What if my future is about to get fucked up because I had a cat in my apartment? My stomach hurts so much I can barely eat...

And to top it all off I got a not so great evaluation from my supervisor....fuck me!

Words

Words words words

Why must people speak to each other with such harsh words? Does it make them feel better? Does pain make them feel better? I am sorry if I sound ignorant but I do not understand how hurting someone else makes a person feel better. Whenever I have hurt someone I usually feel worse...but maybe I'm the one that has it wrong. I thought giving back to people and doing compassionate and consider things made one feel better; but maybe I'm the stupid one.

When they look down on me an speak to me like I'm just the stupid one I begin to feel like they are right; THEY ARE WRONG! Good luck getting through life making people feel small...that only lasts so long before people will not want to be around them anymore.

I don't let anyone else get away with talking to me like that; why do I let them? After years and years of verbal abuse from my father I left. I left and I never went back; estranged. Granted the physical abuse is what pushed me enough to open the door and walk out...yet those wounds have healed but the verbal and emotional abuse still lingers within me. Words, words, words....they alter who we are and who we become. I have overcome and I will not take those words anymore! I am stronger...I am a survivor of abuse! I will not be a victim anymore! Two weeks and then I go to the place where no one can get away with speaking to me as if I am inferior to them! I have stayed quiet for too long and now I'm done!

Words change everything...someday I hope they learn that before they push everyone away.

Love and Honor

Love and Honor may be used to Miami the institution but in reality we have love and honor for the memories and for those that became family. This is it...we are getting closer and closer to the day and we cannot ignore or escape it anymore. Everything we are that college made us is about to place us out in the world. Our bubble is about to burst and make room for those that will come to fill our places. Those that will make what we made here. I realize college isn't for everyone but it has made me who I am today and a part of me wishes everyone could do what I did here.

I am better than I was before I came here and my friendship are better than they were when I left. Even those that are a part of who I was in the past that have grown with me through the distance, we appreciate who we have become and are closer than ever before. I am hitting a point in my life where I value who I am and the decisions I have made and my regrets are minimal...and I think even I deserve this. I love better than I ever could before. I communicate in a manner that is more mature than it was four years ago. I am different; I am better.

I love what we did here. We grew up here and what we had here will never be comparable to anything else for the rest of our lives...

I know deep inside I am ready to move on from Miami but moving on from the life I made for myself here, my home, is another story. I will miss this; I will miss you.

I will look back and remember the best moments: jumping in the water fountain, climbing a tree on campus, meditating with a Buddhist monk, getting yelled at for bowling in the hall way, saving Boo, student manager pub crawls, sitting on the steps of Withrow Court with Gina and talking for hours, playing in the snow the day class was canceled, Roxy, Barn and Bunk, VIP Video, donating my hair, Relay for Life, FSWSO, bowling with Matt and Greg at Oxford Lanes and kicking their butts, the old Goggin, all the free gourmet food at work, the hours upon hours we have watched Friends in this apartment, the random conversations Icaria and I had when we lived together, the dining halls, the pretzels, the ice cream adventures, hide and seek in academic quad, the Princess, After Dark, Kings Island, Spamalot, Spring Break (ie New York City and Florida), cornstarch, Halloween...this list could go on and on and on so I will just end with the thought of the blackout and all the fun we had that night...

This place will always be a piece of who I am and I will never forget.

It's not enough to say that I miss you

I feel so untouched
And I want you so much
That I just can't resist you
It's not enough to say that I miss you
I feel so untouched right now
Need you so much somehow
I can't forget you
Been going crazy from the moment I met you

Decision Made

I have my final plan and that is such a relief. It is good to know that I am wanted and even though people, everyday, make me out to feel stupid and I have spent my life trying to prove many wrong and now I am successful. Case not only accepted me but they have offered me a great deal of money because they must want me. They must believe that I will represent them greatly. One of the finest schools and one of the top social work programs thinks I'm worth something. After the way I have been feeling lately I need that. Now when I am the punch line of the joke I can focus how I am worth something great and I will make an incredible difference in this world and for people I have yet to meet. I am going to continue to have the life I want; the life I have worked so hard for! I'm shooting for the stars now! I am going to go to Case with my thousands in scholarship and stipend money and I am going to get my dream job. I am going to save people in my profession and animals in my free time! I will not just survive but I am going to really live! After grad school I will never work a day in my life because I will love my career so much it will never be work! I will be a living cliche and love every minute of it! Now that my future is more concrete I truly feel like today is the beginning of the rest of my life!

Wow....I can't even explain just how great I feel right now!

Sunday- The Day of Lost Animals

Boo was found on a Sunday. I will never regret saving her; even when she is very mischievous. Yet, no matter how much I love this one cat, in general I will always be more of a dog person.

Ever since the loss of Hannah and the day I had to say goodbye to Madison there has been something missing, somewhat of a void. Boo does a fairly good job of keeping this in check for me but it never goes away. Maybe it is because I feel guilty that I had to give Madison away and I need to find away to clear my conscience. I am not quite sure how to explain it completely but I do know that the seventeen hours I had that stray dog, Roxy, in my possession I felt a little more complete. I know I did the right thing but it hurts...

Today is going to be a long day.

We saved a life but no good deed goes unpunished...