Last Weekend

I had an amazing time back home and I think I really needed that. This summer wasn't very great, to say the least, and I don't like leaving home with a bad taste in my mouth so now I feel relieved that I have happy memories to look back on. It was so great seeing my cousins and all the family members that I miss being around. It was also great to be around Matt for a weekend, sometimes I need to be reminded of how wonderful of a person he is and stop taking him for granted. I am really lucky just to know him and I should probably do a better job of letting him know that, but I think I am still afraid and still learning how to love. I think its not easy for some people and I am one of them. Sometimes I try to convince myself that he will hurt me, but I know that is not honestly true at all.

I also think that I should stop being so hard on myself in terms of our future because it does not have to be doomed just because my parents are divorced. If I want to look at things from that perspective than I would have failed college because technically a child of divorced parents and of low income has terrible odds of doing well in school. I've proved that theory wrong and I can continue to be an anomaly, or at least I think that is the word I want to use in this situation. Oh well, I do the best I can and I should be more proud of myself.

I think this weekend will be great! Kings Island will be an awesome bonding experience for all of us roommates and having my uncle here on Sunday to hang out will incredible! Really, what else could I ask for?

Ironically, currently listening to Hakuna Matata from the Lion King...

I need to just breath...

Someday this fog will clear up and I will be able to stand up straight but until than I need to do a better job of not letting this life pass me by. All I have is right now. I just wish that I did not have such a strong urge to cry but maybe I should stop holding it in....

Tomorrow will be a good day

So I'm starting to think that I am truly ready to leave Miami. I can't handle this conservative perspective that rules that atmosphere and I am in need of a more liberal and realistic society. I know I will never find that entirely but I have better odds in a big city! There is no hope for me in this Republican bubble....

Just in general I don't feel as welcome here as I used to; I feel myself being phased out. Part of those feelings do exist due to my own personality flaws but a portion of it is the environment itself. I am feeling extremely torn and conflicted by need and sincere desire to leave and stay at the same time.

I cannot pin point the deeper reason why but I am just not as happy to be here as I had anticipated. I have been trying to convince myself otherwise, but I can't hide from my strange disappointment and frustrations. Maybe if I do a better job of facing it I can make it go away. I can find a way to feel home here again.

I wish I had a Jay here....he knows how to make me feel better without me even knowing that I needed to be comforted...

This too shall pass...

Potentially its just the time of year it is for me. Most of the time, lately, I'm ok just slightly missing Wil and trying to celebrate his life. It helps that new years isn't as bad as it used to be now that I look at is as a day for Matt and I to celebrate, but his birthday still slightly kills me. He would have been 21 this year which I think he would have loved and been so excited. I don't want this to be so hard for me to deal with but it still is and maybe that is why I really want to get the tattoo soon. I think it would make me feel good to get it as a celebration of what should have been his 21st. Maybe its something I just need to go out on my own and do....i dont know, I just want to fill the pain with something good and I still haven't found the best way to do that. Maybe when I am out in the world advocating for Native Americans and Gay Rights I should also consider doing something with suicide awareness. I always thought it should be something that I needed to avoid, but maybe I need to face it head on. I don't care how childish it is to admit this but I just want him back; a connection like the one we had can't be something that just vanishes in the night and never returns again. I can still hear his voice in my head if I try hard enough; him my brother and Steven and Adam will always be my favorite part of my childhood. And Wil will always be one of the few people that just understood me for being the way that I was without criticism and I can't always say I did the same for him.

I just can't believe on New Years it will be four years without him. I guess I will at least always have Black by Burning Vegas as an outlet for the loss. I just need to keep finding constructive ways of dealing with all of this.

So how is someone suppose to be the bigger person in a situation that makes them feel so small?

I strongly dislike my brothers girlfriend; or whatever she is to him this time. "Taking it slow" my ass....its not taking it slow if she is constantly sleeping over his apartment and if every time my mom or I talk to him he is with her. Uuugggghhh....

I know my brother is no prince charming but he is better than her! If for any reason they last and plan on getting married I am stating now that I refuse to attend....

I know that is horrible for me to say but I don't know how to be the bigger person in this situation because playing nice would be far too fake for me to handle at this point. I just pray that he does not bring her to Bryan's wedding or I'm going to have a rough time....

I just feel so betrayed after everything we talked about that one day we walked along the pier along Lake Erie.

Here's to the nights.....where we are wonderfully lame!

Ouch....that kinda burns

I didn't expect to get slapped in the face today...but I guess no one ever does; if they did they would duck....

I can't believe Boo is 1! That means pretty soon it will be the anniversary of the day we brought her home and all this trouble started haha.

I do wish I could freeze frame every moment, well every enjoyable moment, and hold onto these next seven months with all of the strength of the world but I know time is much stronger and the sun rises and sets so quickly everyday. I do hope that this year can prove to be the greatest ride of my life thus far; so great that the rest of my years will have to work hard to compare. I hope for even more laughter and less tears...although tears do always have a way of bring people together through some sort of special bond.

I hope that when I walk from all of this that I walk knowing that those that I love dearly will always be walking with me in a manner that reveals that we never really left this world behind us. Some of these friendships won't be strong enough to survive the end, but for those that I am willing to bet on May will not be the end...just another step showing the continuation of our story as friends.