I think all social workers should have this type of thought process!!!! I don't even want to think about the stress this country is going to have to continue to go through if McCain becomes presidents.....we really can't afford it!

Breathe breathe breathe.....

I need to stop shaking....I need to focus....I have things to get done and someday everything will be Ok.

Breathe and don't cry. He's not his father and he will find a way out of this...he'll be ok.

The future is uncertain but hope and faith will keep me strong. Its just one of those times where I have to dig deep and find that part of me that I use on occasions similar to this. Just keep moving.

What Now...

What am I suppose to do about this? Am I fated to have these same depression issues that so many of my family members have or am I of a different make up? Knowing that my own brother is near the same fate as my cousin is more than I may be able to handle, yet I know that my brother is smarter than that and if he tries to do anything like that again I will kill him myself. Why is it that he does this to himself? Why is that my father has done all of this to himself? Will I spend my whole life trying to use my career to solve their problems just to inevitably fail? I've been looking for answers and trying to make peace with the world and myself, but when will I cross that line again? How much is a person suppose to endure before they cannot anymore? I would like to hope that my God is a fair God and does not give more to people than they can handle, which is part of the reason I was able to recover from my past. Yet, I can say that at this point God will have to sincerely give me some answers if anything happens to my brother while I am here and completely unable to do anything to stop it.

I realize that my mother was hesitant to tell me and my uncle used his better judgment to decide that I had a right to know, but what am I suppose to do with this? I guess in the long run I would have been angrier to have not been told at all. I want to know that my brother will be ok, and no one can truly tell me this not even him right now, but I also can't let this take me over. I have to do what I have to do to make a positive difference in the world and that means focusing completely on my life down here. I can't do everything for everyone but is there something I can do to help a little? He will never go, but I wish we could get him professional help.

I also feel guilty because I'm angry; everything is always about Ryan. What about me....when is it my turn? Too bad I find messing up to impossible to bear or maybe I should take a turn... I realize that is a selfish thing to think but I have tried really hard to make a life for myself with little help since Ryan has always needed more help to do very little, but when will the recognition I deserve over power the attention Ryan needs? I know he doesn't do this on purpose but it just works out that way.

I just know that I am no superman....I'll just do what I can and hopefully everything will work out. I refuse to bury another young member of my family and if Ryan does not stop this I will drive up there and hold onto him until her realizes how important he is to me. I guess I have to keep doing what I do, stay busy, and keep my mind off of it. I'll use this journal to face it but for the most part I need to focus on the positive for my own sake. I can't be wrapped up in all of this again and I hate my father for being who he is and influencing my brother so greatly. Ryan deserves to love life and see how loved he is. Maybe I will write him a letter....

I don't know...this is just such bad timing. I need something to hold onto....

Last Weekend

I had an amazing time back home and I think I really needed that. This summer wasn't very great, to say the least, and I don't like leaving home with a bad taste in my mouth so now I feel relieved that I have happy memories to look back on. It was so great seeing my cousins and all the family members that I miss being around. It was also great to be around Matt for a weekend, sometimes I need to be reminded of how wonderful of a person he is and stop taking him for granted. I am really lucky just to know him and I should probably do a better job of letting him know that, but I think I am still afraid and still learning how to love. I think its not easy for some people and I am one of them. Sometimes I try to convince myself that he will hurt me, but I know that is not honestly true at all.

I also think that I should stop being so hard on myself in terms of our future because it does not have to be doomed just because my parents are divorced. If I want to look at things from that perspective than I would have failed college because technically a child of divorced parents and of low income has terrible odds of doing well in school. I've proved that theory wrong and I can continue to be an anomaly, or at least I think that is the word I want to use in this situation. Oh well, I do the best I can and I should be more proud of myself.

I think this weekend will be great! Kings Island will be an awesome bonding experience for all of us roommates and having my uncle here on Sunday to hang out will incredible! Really, what else could I ask for?

Ironically, currently listening to Hakuna Matata from the Lion King...

I need to just breath...

Someday this fog will clear up and I will be able to stand up straight but until than I need to do a better job of not letting this life pass me by. All I have is right now. I just wish that I did not have such a strong urge to cry but maybe I should stop holding it in....

Tomorrow will be a good day

So I'm starting to think that I am truly ready to leave Miami. I can't handle this conservative perspective that rules that atmosphere and I am in need of a more liberal and realistic society. I know I will never find that entirely but I have better odds in a big city! There is no hope for me in this Republican bubble....

Just in general I don't feel as welcome here as I used to; I feel myself being phased out. Part of those feelings do exist due to my own personality flaws but a portion of it is the environment itself. I am feeling extremely torn and conflicted by need and sincere desire to leave and stay at the same time.

I cannot pin point the deeper reason why but I am just not as happy to be here as I had anticipated. I have been trying to convince myself otherwise, but I can't hide from my strange disappointment and frustrations. Maybe if I do a better job of facing it I can make it go away. I can find a way to feel home here again.

I wish I had a Jay here....he knows how to make me feel better without me even knowing that I needed to be comforted...

This too shall pass...

Potentially its just the time of year it is for me. Most of the time, lately, I'm ok just slightly missing Wil and trying to celebrate his life. It helps that new years isn't as bad as it used to be now that I look at is as a day for Matt and I to celebrate, but his birthday still slightly kills me. He would have been 21 this year which I think he would have loved and been so excited. I don't want this to be so hard for me to deal with but it still is and maybe that is why I really want to get the tattoo soon. I think it would make me feel good to get it as a celebration of what should have been his 21st. Maybe its something I just need to go out on my own and do....i dont know, I just want to fill the pain with something good and I still haven't found the best way to do that. Maybe when I am out in the world advocating for Native Americans and Gay Rights I should also consider doing something with suicide awareness. I always thought it should be something that I needed to avoid, but maybe I need to face it head on. I don't care how childish it is to admit this but I just want him back; a connection like the one we had can't be something that just vanishes in the night and never returns again. I can still hear his voice in my head if I try hard enough; him my brother and Steven and Adam will always be my favorite part of my childhood. And Wil will always be one of the few people that just understood me for being the way that I was without criticism and I can't always say I did the same for him.

I just can't believe on New Years it will be four years without him. I guess I will at least always have Black by Burning Vegas as an outlet for the loss. I just need to keep finding constructive ways of dealing with all of this.

So how is someone suppose to be the bigger person in a situation that makes them feel so small?

I strongly dislike my brothers girlfriend; or whatever she is to him this time. "Taking it slow" my ass....its not taking it slow if she is constantly sleeping over his apartment and if every time my mom or I talk to him he is with her. Uuugggghhh....

I know my brother is no prince charming but he is better than her! If for any reason they last and plan on getting married I am stating now that I refuse to attend....

I know that is horrible for me to say but I don't know how to be the bigger person in this situation because playing nice would be far too fake for me to handle at this point. I just pray that he does not bring her to Bryan's wedding or I'm going to have a rough time....

I just feel so betrayed after everything we talked about that one day we walked along the pier along Lake Erie.