Sometimes friendship just dies...

Well maybe we just are not real friends anymore....I do know what happened but my friendship with Meghan has been on a slow decline for a long time now and I just feel like its just over now. Last time we hung out there was just not much of a connections and we are very different people. Its been over a month since we last talked and I didn't even think about it until today. I found a facebook note that she wrote and tagged all of her friends but me and in the note it said she missed a bunch of her friends that live far away but my name was absent again....I guess what can I even do if she doesn't even miss me? I just feel like she doesn't even care so than why should I care...? I don't know, maybe I should talk to Jay about it to hear what he has to say.

But in reality I really just want to surround myself with people care about me and if this is what it is now then I should just walk away from it all. I just worry about how quickly I start to not matter anymore and I wonder how long it will take for everyone in my life to just up and decide to leave me standing alone. Am I really that bad of a person; what do I do that is so awful and unfriendly? I just feel kind of broken...

Of Course...

So I changed my background and updated some aspects of my blog and I'm pretty happy about it. I do like to keep things updated and fresh as much as possible. I suppose I need to clean and organize, even computer related things, when I'm slightly annoyed....

Why do Matt's parents and/or family have to come into town every time I do?!?! Its like they have a radar for these things. Pardon me for sounding desperate but I'm in need of a little action and if Matt and I do not get some alone time together this relationship is going to start to look more like a friendship than a romantic relationship. Seriously...his family has no concept of privacy and it is ridiculously obnoxious!!!

Now I'm not quite sure what I want to do. I do want to go see him I just wish we had a different place to hide out. I can't wait for the day where we have a place to just be.

"Thats all I have to say about that"

So its our last semester................................

Ahhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh!

I feel like I should start crying now. This was everything I wanted and despite "the plan" I'm not ready to make the next steps and admit defeat. I don't know what I really want outside of all of this...besides being a social worker and owning a bunch of puppies and growing old with Matt. But all of those can take a back seat to being a college kid....besides owning a puppy....

Reminder of what I lost

Being home is always a mixture of joy and love along with pain and loss. The holidays are never an easy time any more and for some reason this year was worse than past years. I don't know if it is because Wil should have been 21 or that I was a senior in high school when: he died, my dog got put to sleep and when I really realized that my father had an alcohol problem...

I was really hoping to get my tattoo that my uncle JR drew for me on Thursday but JR waited too long to call the place and everything seems to be all booked up...I'm not happy about that; I really feel like this is something I need to do.

I am trying to work with the last few days I have left in town and see those I will not see again for a while. I am really excited to do lunch and see a movie with Gina and Thursday because I don't know when I will ever see her again. I hope that we keep in touch and stay good friends but I have to be realistic that many adult friendships do stay very strong. I am also really stoked to see my aunt and cousins on Friday and have some much needed family time with them.

I did end up with a lot of cool things this break...I'm pretty much as materialistic as the rest of Miami now... I now own a sonicare toothbrush, a gps, a new ipod, a new flip chocolate...I'm pathetic. Maybe I should make it a goal to simplify in other ways throughout my life. I don't want to get greedy or unappreciative for what I do have.

All and all...I'm feeling out of sorts. I want time to freeze... I don't want to make grown up decisions...I need to think things through. I want time to myself and I want to be there for my family more than I have been. I don't know...nothing ever feels enough in terms of the emotions of my family...I'm tired of watching my mom cry and my brother make bad choices. What can I do and what am I supposed to do? I feel so overwhelmed I just want someone to tell me exactly what to do so I don't have to...

Currently Listening to: Matt's awful rap music and him playing with the Boo Kitty.

They say everything happens for a reason...

I'm sick of being the scapegoat of this apartment.

Certain conversations make me realize that I am ready to graduate and go some place where I belong...where I actually matter

Christmas break will be a good thing....I just want to feel loved and appreciated instead of the joke of this so called home.

I guess I'm just not good enough.

What do you say to someone whose very presence or words makes you feel broken inside?

I just want to be fine again. I just want to feel like I belong to a real family again. I just want to have a home to come home to.

I don't know what I would do without Matt at this point; Cleveland would not feel like home without him.

Drugs Or Us

I hate this....why is it that without fail so many things fall a part during the holidays?

You play the victim but now we are all victims because of you. How do you expect any of us to trust you now? Maybe its not in me to take care of you anymore...maybe I should just add another failure to my list....Wil, my father, Jenna, now my brother too. Maybe I can't actually help anybody.

What is the point of all of this? I just want to scream and yell and shake you until you understand but I also want to hold onto you for fear of losing you too. I just hate this...why did it have to be this way?

I don't think I will ever understand substance abuse and addiction.

Maybe 20-30 days in jail, despite the holidays, is what you need. I wish you could see how much this hurts us.


"If only you could see
The stranger next to me
You promised you promised that you're done
But I can't tell you from the drugs."