Old Feelings...

I find my self at this very moment reverting back to an old sense of self that I have desperately tried to over power. I just feel very alone and I'm not sure why. I feel like a push came to shove I am never picked first. I know that sounds lame but my mom will always favor my brother more, as she has blatantly stated to me before, I will never have a real best friend that will put me ahead of everyone else and not treat me like I can't make mistakes too, and even with Matt his family is still always first which I guess is fine but I don't think I have the type of family that I always want to put first since I am never first for them. I hate that I have to word it this way but I don't know how else to express it. I'm feeling phased out and left behind....

I just want to feel really special and I don't...I'm pretty sure its just my own problem but I don't know how to make it go away anymore. When will I grow out of my daddy issues because they ruin me and my relationships? Lately I just don't like who I am and I suppose how is anyone suppose to care about me if I don't care about myself...

Thanks Megan!

001. Real name – Lindsay Kayla Simbeck
002. Nickname(s) - Lindz, Lindy, Lindy-Lou, Sweets, Izzy
003. Status – In a relationship :)
004. Zodiac sign – Cancer
005. Male or female – Female
006. Religion - My own version of Christianity
007. Elementary – Pearl Rd Elementary and Brook Park Memorial
008. Middle School - Ford Middle School
009. High School – Midpark High School
010. Hair color – Dirty Blonde, Mousy Brown...?
011. Eye color – Green
012. Loud or Quiet - Majority quiet but I can be loud depending
013. Sweats or Jeans - Jeans
014. Phone or Camera - Phone
015. Health freak - In some ways but not as much as I should be and used to be
016. Favorite Physical Quality – ummm...you tell me
017. Do you have a crush on someone? - I think I do still have a crush on Matt along with deeper emotions
019. Piercing – Only 8 now since I had to let the one heal up
020. Tattoos - None yet but hopefully soon
021. Water or Fire – Water because it tastes yummy....and is about 80% of the human body
022. Love of your life or 4 Billion Dollars - I will keep my love thank you but if you want to give me a little money on top of that I will accept
023. First fear – tight spaces
024. First best friend – Jessica Zubik
025. First award – Attendance...?
026. First crush – Mr. Dan Soza my brothers friend from the 1st grade
027. First pet – Leo our painted neck turtle
028. Car trip - First car trip...Maybe South Carolina when I was 3 to see my uncle in the Marines...?
029. First big birthday – Well I don't remember the first few so I can't really compare them all
030. Siblings - One big brother
033. Favorite Dessert - Ice cream...could eat it everyday
034. Favorite toy in your house – Boo
035. Ring? - My favorite ring? My Claddagh which is still broken :(
036. Favorite Season - Summer
037. Favorite Flower(s) – Lillies
038. Favorite Spice - Cinnamon
039. Pancakes or Waffles – Waffles!
040. Left or Right-handed - Right
041. Virgin? - Not anymore
042. How many relationships have you been in? - Only one serious relationship
043. Silver or Gold? - Silver
044. Checkers or Chess? - Chess
045. Desktop or laptop? - Laptop
046. Ever been Out of the country? - Does Canada really count...?
047. Where? - Canada
048. Big City or Small town? - Big cities for the most part
049. Favorite Food type - Meat
050. Favorite Drink – Sweet Tea
051. Dogs or Cats – Dogs...shh don't tell the Boo
052. I'm about to – Make my lunch, watch the end of the Superbowl and get ready for bed...
053. Listening to – Superbowl commercials
054. Plans for today – well today is almost over so I plan to go to bed so I can wake up at 6am
055. Waiting for - My future to make sense...
056. Your Height - 5'7"
057. Contacts or Glasses - Both but I prefer contacts
058. Want kids? - Just puppies please
059. Want to get married? - The little girl inside of me does....and so far she is winning
060. Careers in mind – Social Worker at a hospital preferably the Cleveland Clinic and then perhaps a professor
061. Rain or Snow - Snow!
062. Gloves or Mittens - Gloves
063. Favorite Girl's Name – Skyler
064. Favorite Boy's Name – Jack
065. Believe in Magic? - The child inside me does
066. Soda, Pop, or Coke? - Soda
067. Brain or Brawn? - Brain
068. Prefer Lips or eyes – Eyes
069. Great body or great Personality? - Personality
070. Do you want to be Shorter or taller? - I'm fine
071. Do you want to initiate the relationship or him/her? - A happy medium was fine with me when I was in that game
072. Romantic or spontaneous - You can't be spontaneously romantic? (I agree!)
073. Nice stomach or nice arms – Ummm...can I have both or is that too greedy...I might have to go with the stomach
074. Sensitive or loud – Sensitive
075. Hook-up or relationship – Relationship
076. Should you be friends first or date first? - I suppose there is nothing wrong with either but it is good to be friends on some level
077. Troublemaker or hesitant – Hesitant
078. Chivalry or not? - Chivalry please
079. Favorite Board Game – Scene It and Trivial Pursuit
080. Lost glasses/contacts – I think I lost a contact once or twice in my 8 years
081. Ran away from home – Yes
082. Held a gun/knife for defense? - No
083. Killed someone? - No
084. Heartbroken – Yes but not in the romantic sense
085. Been arrested – No
086. Done anything illegal - Yes
087. Cried when someone died – Yes
088. Cried by yourself – Yes
089. Laughed till you cried? - Yes
090. Believe in Miracles? – Yes
091. Believe in Love at first sight? - No
092. Heaven – I probably don't belong there.... :/
093. Santa Claus - He's on the refridgerator
094. Say 'I Love you' on the first date – ? No
095. Sex on the first date - I could never do that
096. Hold hands on the first date – Perhaps
097. Is there one person you want to be with right now – Yes
098. Are you seriously happy with where you are in life – I should be more happy than I am but how happy can you been when chilling on crossroads
099. Do you believe in God? - Yes...but I'm not always sure he really believes in me...
100. Is anybody going to take this from you? - No

Time to calm down and put on a fake fucking face to please the group....

Sometimes friendship just dies...

Well maybe we just are not real friends anymore....I do know what happened but my friendship with Meghan has been on a slow decline for a long time now and I just feel like its just over now. Last time we hung out there was just not much of a connections and we are very different people. Its been over a month since we last talked and I didn't even think about it until today. I found a facebook note that she wrote and tagged all of her friends but me and in the note it said she missed a bunch of her friends that live far away but my name was absent again....I guess what can I even do if she doesn't even miss me? I just feel like she doesn't even care so than why should I care...? I don't know, maybe I should talk to Jay about it to hear what he has to say.

But in reality I really just want to surround myself with people care about me and if this is what it is now then I should just walk away from it all. I just worry about how quickly I start to not matter anymore and I wonder how long it will take for everyone in my life to just up and decide to leave me standing alone. Am I really that bad of a person; what do I do that is so awful and unfriendly? I just feel kind of broken...

Of Course...

So I changed my background and updated some aspects of my blog and I'm pretty happy about it. I do like to keep things updated and fresh as much as possible. I suppose I need to clean and organize, even computer related things, when I'm slightly annoyed....

Why do Matt's parents and/or family have to come into town every time I do?!?! Its like they have a radar for these things. Pardon me for sounding desperate but I'm in need of a little action and if Matt and I do not get some alone time together this relationship is going to start to look more like a friendship than a romantic relationship. Seriously...his family has no concept of privacy and it is ridiculously obnoxious!!!

Now I'm not quite sure what I want to do. I do want to go see him I just wish we had a different place to hide out. I can't wait for the day where we have a place to just be.

"Thats all I have to say about that"

So its our last semester................................

Ahhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh!

I feel like I should start crying now. This was everything I wanted and despite "the plan" I'm not ready to make the next steps and admit defeat. I don't know what I really want outside of all of this...besides being a social worker and owning a bunch of puppies and growing old with Matt. But all of those can take a back seat to being a college kid....besides owning a puppy....

Reminder of what I lost

Being home is always a mixture of joy and love along with pain and loss. The holidays are never an easy time any more and for some reason this year was worse than past years. I don't know if it is because Wil should have been 21 or that I was a senior in high school when: he died, my dog got put to sleep and when I really realized that my father had an alcohol problem...

I was really hoping to get my tattoo that my uncle JR drew for me on Thursday but JR waited too long to call the place and everything seems to be all booked up...I'm not happy about that; I really feel like this is something I need to do.

I am trying to work with the last few days I have left in town and see those I will not see again for a while. I am really excited to do lunch and see a movie with Gina and Thursday because I don't know when I will ever see her again. I hope that we keep in touch and stay good friends but I have to be realistic that many adult friendships do stay very strong. I am also really stoked to see my aunt and cousins on Friday and have some much needed family time with them.

I did end up with a lot of cool things this break...I'm pretty much as materialistic as the rest of Miami now... I now own a sonicare toothbrush, a gps, a new ipod, a new flip chocolate...I'm pathetic. Maybe I should make it a goal to simplify in other ways throughout my life. I don't want to get greedy or unappreciative for what I do have.

All and all...I'm feeling out of sorts. I want time to freeze... I don't want to make grown up decisions...I need to think things through. I want time to myself and I want to be there for my family more than I have been. I don't know...nothing ever feels enough in terms of the emotions of my family...I'm tired of watching my mom cry and my brother make bad choices. What can I do and what am I supposed to do? I feel so overwhelmed I just want someone to tell me exactly what to do so I don't have to...

Currently Listening to: Matt's awful rap music and him playing with the Boo Kitty.