It would be nice if you could be happy for me sometimes.....I guess its just too much to ask....

Someone save me.....

I just can't seem to manage my time the way I want to; the way I used to. I don't want to be in school anymore but I don't really see what other choice I have....I almost can't afford not to go to grad school. If I do anything else I'm going to have to start paying on these ridiculous student loans that will be the burden of my existence for the next 30 years of my life...ouch. I need to get a higher paying job than anything my BSW will offer me. I know that I can take an accelerated grad program so I only have to go one more year of it all...at a more intense level, but I'm not sure thats what I really want right now. I know its because I'm tired and I haven't really had a solid break from class since last winter break, but I just want to find home, where ever that is, and get some much needed rest.

Matt is being supportive and telling me that I should go to grad school in Chicago because that is what I've really wanted to do but I'm so tired of moving around. I know if I don't do it I will regret it later in life so therefore I will apply and go through the motions and I'm sure once everything is said and done I will know I made the right choice. Yet, right now I'm not 100 percent sure what the right choice is....I want a vacation!

Yesterday

So I got through yesterday; as if it was simply like any other day to me. I guess it does get easier with time. I really thought I would hit a point where I would just fall apart but I didn't. I had one small moment of tears in the car but it didn't last long and those come and go sometimes anyways. I told myself I would take a shot for him to horror the fact that it should have been his 21st but I'm not disappointed that I did not even bother...its a week day; therefore unnecessary.

I do miss him though. He was the one person I was willing to get in trouble for. I almost stole something once and it was because he was egging me on...that was so long ago. I'm glad that I didn't go through with it but the situation is funny to me now. What would my life look like now if things were different? Maybe I would not have even chosen this career...? I blame my relationship with and the actions of my father for this position most of the time, but maybe there is more to it than I thought. Maybe because I was never able to fix anything for him I am trying to spend my life fixing something for someone just so I don't have to blame myself so much. I guess the same goes for Jenna; I was always the leader and always in charge and I failed both of them. I could not be the role model I wanted to be for them; I could not make a difference. Will I ever make a significant difference for someone one day? I suppose I will spend my life trying to find out. Trying to heal these wounds and feel better than OK again.

His death will always effect who I am in this life...

Wil, you should have been here to see the day.

"Where did I go wrong, I lost a friend
Somewhere along in the bitterness
And I would have stayed up with you all night
Had I known how to save a life"

I'm glad I knew you....

Some Days...

There are days where I just cannot handle how or what people say to me. There has been a couple occasions today where I kind of wanted to punch people in the face. I realize that this is something I am going to need to work on when I'm out in the world trying to do my job, but at the same time these situations occur few and far between and today has just been one of those days.

Maybe I am more on the edge than I thought I would be today. You think after four years of disappointment for this day from my family I would have learned to just be ok and get over by now, and I thought I had, but maybe it hurts more than I'm willing to admit. I just wish I felt a little more wanted....

Oh well....life goes on and this weekend will end like all the rest and it will just be another moment in time not worth pondering about. I just have to keep working on not caring that much....my family shows me they love me in different ways. I guess I don't really need that kind of attention anyways and my family doesn't have the need that some families and parents have to be involved with giving that kind of attention.

I would rather have my family than those fake fancy ones I've seen the last couple of shifts at work any day!

I think all social workers should have this type of thought process!!!! I don't even want to think about the stress this country is going to have to continue to go through if McCain becomes presidents.....we really can't afford it!

Breathe breathe breathe.....

I need to stop shaking....I need to focus....I have things to get done and someday everything will be Ok.

Breathe and don't cry. He's not his father and he will find a way out of this...he'll be ok.

The future is uncertain but hope and faith will keep me strong. Its just one of those times where I have to dig deep and find that part of me that I use on occasions similar to this. Just keep moving.

What Now...

What am I suppose to do about this? Am I fated to have these same depression issues that so many of my family members have or am I of a different make up? Knowing that my own brother is near the same fate as my cousin is more than I may be able to handle, yet I know that my brother is smarter than that and if he tries to do anything like that again I will kill him myself. Why is it that he does this to himself? Why is that my father has done all of this to himself? Will I spend my whole life trying to use my career to solve their problems just to inevitably fail? I've been looking for answers and trying to make peace with the world and myself, but when will I cross that line again? How much is a person suppose to endure before they cannot anymore? I would like to hope that my God is a fair God and does not give more to people than they can handle, which is part of the reason I was able to recover from my past. Yet, I can say that at this point God will have to sincerely give me some answers if anything happens to my brother while I am here and completely unable to do anything to stop it.

I realize that my mother was hesitant to tell me and my uncle used his better judgment to decide that I had a right to know, but what am I suppose to do with this? I guess in the long run I would have been angrier to have not been told at all. I want to know that my brother will be ok, and no one can truly tell me this not even him right now, but I also can't let this take me over. I have to do what I have to do to make a positive difference in the world and that means focusing completely on my life down here. I can't do everything for everyone but is there something I can do to help a little? He will never go, but I wish we could get him professional help.

I also feel guilty because I'm angry; everything is always about Ryan. What about me....when is it my turn? Too bad I find messing up to impossible to bear or maybe I should take a turn... I realize that is a selfish thing to think but I have tried really hard to make a life for myself with little help since Ryan has always needed more help to do very little, but when will the recognition I deserve over power the attention Ryan needs? I know he doesn't do this on purpose but it just works out that way.

I just know that I am no superman....I'll just do what I can and hopefully everything will work out. I refuse to bury another young member of my family and if Ryan does not stop this I will drive up there and hold onto him until her realizes how important he is to me. I guess I have to keep doing what I do, stay busy, and keep my mind off of it. I'll use this journal to face it but for the most part I need to focus on the positive for my own sake. I can't be wrapped up in all of this again and I hate my father for being who he is and influencing my brother so greatly. Ryan deserves to love life and see how loved he is. Maybe I will write him a letter....

I don't know...this is just such bad timing. I need something to hold onto....