A New Road

Well now things are changing for me in a way that I did not plan for. I wish I cared more. I just want a masters degree and I cannot seem to find it in me to even care how I get it. Due to this mindset it makes sense to take, what will most likely be, the cheapest route and stay in state but I will keep other options open for now. I think U.C. is a good option because I do like the climate down here and the move wouldn't be a pain for me or the cat. Also, I'm not sure how much my car can take in terms of long distance travel anymore. I have a lot to weigh out and it will be a while before my mind is set on anything but I need to prioritize my plans. I am going to keep Cleveland State as a plan z for now well other options such as Wash U, Columbia, and NYU remain possible.

To be honest, I am just feeling greatly disappointed in myself. How did I miss this? How did something so crucial towards my future go unnoticed? I'm tired and I am feeling like I am doing more harm than good in many aspects of my life lately. My greatest fear is failing and yet a part of me feels like I am doing just that...failing at putting my future together. I truly do not even know what I want anymore. I just feel done and down trotted. I am discouraged that I don't allow myself to be proud of what I have accomplished and I am greedy with my own opportunities. I am not going to fall a part, yet I am not in the mood to skip towards the road I am heading down anymore...

Maybe this is all just a sign to push me in the right direction and I need to just look at it more optimistically. Maybe I am just suppose to stay in this state and use my abilities and my power to make this a better place; every individual counts. Or maybe I am suppose to turn my head back towards New York and not so easily push that aside. Maybe I am supposed to look at the top social work program in the universe with greater consideration. What if it was best that my options just narrowed so that I go where I am supposed to...fate could be real and it could be helping me see where I need to go. Who knows? In a few months this will all make sense and I am sure I will be writing about the future that will be decided. I've potentially been locked out of the door I want, but there are many more to choose from! I can't help but agree with Megan wholeheartedly, and wish that I just avoid growing up altogether....I don't feel ready to make these decisions....I just want to lay in bed and watch kids movies and be surrounded by puppies and Boo. Sounds perfect to me..........I can dream cant it?

BFFs...?

So I have been thinking lately and I just feel like I've lost my best friend. I don't really care to talk to her anymore and well I just don't know who she is anymore. Or maybe its that she is who she has always been and I have just done a lot of growing in the last few years and I do not see eye to eye with Meghan anymore. I adore Jay and I think he and I are closer than we have ever been but truly I don't know if he is really my best friend either. It may be lame to consider, but I just feel like I don't have a best friend, maybe I never really did. I just always wanted to be a best friend and have a best friend that I think I tried too hard to keep that title. Maybe after high school we aren't meant to have "best friends" anymore; just a lot of really good friends. I am glad that I have all my different friends in my life to go to for different things, but I can't help but wish I had that one friend that I could go to for anything and not feel uncomfortable or judged about it. For the most part I guess I do have Matt for most of it but I don't want to have to go to him for girl things, even though with two sisters he is always willing to listen to my girlie moments...

I guess I just wish that Meghan was different than she is and would just grow up a little bit. I am glad that she is unique and a free spirit in so many ways but not when I am potentially going to be relying on her for part of the rent next year.

I think I just feel kind of lost and scared lately....I am really not even sure why. My future is so bright but I am terrified of it. I wish I could live off the best moments in my life and ignore everything else...

So I guess I'm just human....I make mistakes.

I should probably stop being so hard on myself. I need to be ok with really fucking up sometimes; I just need to keep learning from it. Everything will end up fine in the end...it always does.

Plus I should really give myself more credit when it comes to my relationship with Matt. This after all is my first real attempt at one and it has always been long distance from the beginning. We were bound to have our bad days and for the most part they really are few and far between. Considering my usual trust issues with the male population I think I've done all right in this. Maybe its because there really is something there...something meaningful and potentially timeless. I try to downplay what we have because so many relationships fall apart and I feel like I don't always deserve this...but maybe I do and maybe we won't fall apart. And if we do...then it was just where life was suppose to take me. I really want to just go with the flow and let fate take its course with me. Granted I realize my actions always have consequences but still....what happens happens and so far things are going well.

What if this really is the real deal...I avoided thinking about that concept for so long but after two years is it a thought I should continue to avoid or perhaps take in a little at a time...? I'm glad he will be here tomorrow!

Maybe I shouldn't be with anyone anyways....I'm too broken....damaged goods.

Maybe I never really deserved someone like him....someone that never intentionally tries to hurt anyone. Why do I purposefully cause people pain; what's wrong with me?

Just like my father I drag those I love down with me. I'm an asshole...just like him.

It would be nice if you could be happy for me sometimes.....I guess its just too much to ask....

Someone save me.....

I just can't seem to manage my time the way I want to; the way I used to. I don't want to be in school anymore but I don't really see what other choice I have....I almost can't afford not to go to grad school. If I do anything else I'm going to have to start paying on these ridiculous student loans that will be the burden of my existence for the next 30 years of my life...ouch. I need to get a higher paying job than anything my BSW will offer me. I know that I can take an accelerated grad program so I only have to go one more year of it all...at a more intense level, but I'm not sure thats what I really want right now. I know its because I'm tired and I haven't really had a solid break from class since last winter break, but I just want to find home, where ever that is, and get some much needed rest.

Matt is being supportive and telling me that I should go to grad school in Chicago because that is what I've really wanted to do but I'm so tired of moving around. I know if I don't do it I will regret it later in life so therefore I will apply and go through the motions and I'm sure once everything is said and done I will know I made the right choice. Yet, right now I'm not 100 percent sure what the right choice is....I want a vacation!

Yesterday

So I got through yesterday; as if it was simply like any other day to me. I guess it does get easier with time. I really thought I would hit a point where I would just fall apart but I didn't. I had one small moment of tears in the car but it didn't last long and those come and go sometimes anyways. I told myself I would take a shot for him to horror the fact that it should have been his 21st but I'm not disappointed that I did not even bother...its a week day; therefore unnecessary.

I do miss him though. He was the one person I was willing to get in trouble for. I almost stole something once and it was because he was egging me on...that was so long ago. I'm glad that I didn't go through with it but the situation is funny to me now. What would my life look like now if things were different? Maybe I would not have even chosen this career...? I blame my relationship with and the actions of my father for this position most of the time, but maybe there is more to it than I thought. Maybe because I was never able to fix anything for him I am trying to spend my life fixing something for someone just so I don't have to blame myself so much. I guess the same goes for Jenna; I was always the leader and always in charge and I failed both of them. I could not be the role model I wanted to be for them; I could not make a difference. Will I ever make a significant difference for someone one day? I suppose I will spend my life trying to find out. Trying to heal these wounds and feel better than OK again.

His death will always effect who I am in this life...

Wil, you should have been here to see the day.

"Where did I go wrong, I lost a friend
Somewhere along in the bitterness
And I would have stayed up with you all night
Had I known how to save a life"

I'm glad I knew you....