Reminder of what I lost

Being home is always a mixture of joy and love along with pain and loss. The holidays are never an easy time any more and for some reason this year was worse than past years. I don't know if it is because Wil should have been 21 or that I was a senior in high school when: he died, my dog got put to sleep and when I really realized that my father had an alcohol problem...

I was really hoping to get my tattoo that my uncle JR drew for me on Thursday but JR waited too long to call the place and everything seems to be all booked up...I'm not happy about that; I really feel like this is something I need to do.

I am trying to work with the last few days I have left in town and see those I will not see again for a while. I am really excited to do lunch and see a movie with Gina and Thursday because I don't know when I will ever see her again. I hope that we keep in touch and stay good friends but I have to be realistic that many adult friendships do stay very strong. I am also really stoked to see my aunt and cousins on Friday and have some much needed family time with them.

I did end up with a lot of cool things this break...I'm pretty much as materialistic as the rest of Miami now... I now own a sonicare toothbrush, a gps, a new ipod, a new flip chocolate...I'm pathetic. Maybe I should make it a goal to simplify in other ways throughout my life. I don't want to get greedy or unappreciative for what I do have.

All and all...I'm feeling out of sorts. I want time to freeze... I don't want to make grown up decisions...I need to think things through. I want time to myself and I want to be there for my family more than I have been. I don't know...nothing ever feels enough in terms of the emotions of my family...I'm tired of watching my mom cry and my brother make bad choices. What can I do and what am I supposed to do? I feel so overwhelmed I just want someone to tell me exactly what to do so I don't have to...

Currently Listening to: Matt's awful rap music and him playing with the Boo Kitty.

They say everything happens for a reason...

I'm sick of being the scapegoat of this apartment.

Certain conversations make me realize that I am ready to graduate and go some place where I belong...where I actually matter

Christmas break will be a good thing....I just want to feel loved and appreciated instead of the joke of this so called home.

I guess I'm just not good enough.

What do you say to someone whose very presence or words makes you feel broken inside?

I just want to be fine again. I just want to feel like I belong to a real family again. I just want to have a home to come home to.

I don't know what I would do without Matt at this point; Cleveland would not feel like home without him.

Drugs Or Us

I hate this....why is it that without fail so many things fall a part during the holidays?

You play the victim but now we are all victims because of you. How do you expect any of us to trust you now? Maybe its not in me to take care of you anymore...maybe I should just add another failure to my list....Wil, my father, Jenna, now my brother too. Maybe I can't actually help anybody.

What is the point of all of this? I just want to scream and yell and shake you until you understand but I also want to hold onto you for fear of losing you too. I just hate this...why did it have to be this way?

I don't think I will ever understand substance abuse and addiction.

Maybe 20-30 days in jail, despite the holidays, is what you need. I wish you could see how much this hurts us.


"If only you could see
The stranger next to me
You promised you promised that you're done
But I can't tell you from the drugs."

Pain

Someday things will get better for my family, for my brother...

Now is just not that someday.


Eight long years of consistent family struggle; when we will earn a break?

I'm tired of being proud of my strength....when am I entitled to just fall apart instead of being the one to save everyone.

Maybe I will take up Matt's parents offer and move into the spare room...temporarily.

I know my brother needs me, again, but he needs to learn how to save himself for once. I had to always save myself....

I thought after a couple of days this anger would go away but its not. He needs to learn that he cannot keep hurting everyone.

Please God don't let my brother turn into his father.

Bored

I don't know what to do with myself right now. I am sleepy and I really want to go to bed but I am at work until 1:30 so that is not possible. I should be grateful that I am getting paid right now to sit here and play around on the internet since there are absolutely no dishes for me to do. I should try to finish the last ten pages I have of the Dr. Phil book but it is just so hard to motivate my eyes to go from word to word when the concepts are lacking in anything real or evident. The Dr. Phil fad is one that needs to fade moreso than the Twilight fad.

Well at least today is my last realy class day in my pointless capstone. Monday Alina and I will have our parenting guide finished and Wednesday we will our present them and that will be that for FSW 498. Thank God.

I am sincerely ready for this semester to be over. I dislike my two classes and I am feeling really burnt out by my practicum. I realize I should considering looking for a new placement next semester but I still feel like there is more to learn from this place and I would miss the residents; even though my supervisor is not the most inteligent role model for this profession. Maybe I just need to find a way to put more into it so I can get more out of it.

Winter break will be great and then next semester is going to be amazing! The only disappointing thing is that Matt is probably going to have his surgery two days before our official 2 year anniversary....awesome. It looks like we will be hanging out with his parents to celebrate the new year....

I've never been a fan of odd number years so I guess its appropriate...

Too cold for comfort

So I think I dislike winter, sincerely. Yet, I am pretty sure I would dislike living in an environment that was warm all year round and then got disgustingly hot during the summer. Basically I can't win unless I ever have enough money to have a vacation home that I can go to for the winter if I actually get to retire someday....which is a lot of ifs...? Well I guess I will just have to suck it up and hope that I can at the very least afford a fire place someday for my cardboard box.....

On a separate note I truly enjoyed my break at home; it was busy but in a good way. I am glad I got to see all of my cousins. I really miss Steven and Adam and I hope to get closer with them someday. Unfortunately things are still kind of awkward between Jen and I and I am not quite sure what to do about it anymore. Yet, on a more positive note I had a great time with my brother and in a way it is kind of cool sharing a room with him despite the mess. I love my brother dearly and I am so grateful for the person that he is right now and that he is trying to become.

All in all, it may be freezing outside but I am feeling warm.