Money Money Money

Now that is a word that has consumed my life from time to time. I hate having to center everything around it but I guess that is just part of being an adult in this society. It is such a relief that I have been approved for another loan. I can get myself out of this credit card debt and attempt to start over and rebuild. I have worked too hard to be in this position and a little bit of freedom is going to be a nice change that I have not had for almost a year now. I realize that the last thing I really needed was another loan to add onto the 60 grand I will be paying for the next 30 years, but it is still better than credit card debt and I have to pay for next semester; my last semester of my undergraduate...

Someday I will be able to live the life I want and money won't dictate my every move. Someday I won't be forced to by crappy food and lose 8 pounds in a month because of my position. Someday I will go on vacations and pretend I live in a fantasy world and my childhood will be nothing more than a distant memory allowing me to appreciate where I have gotten myself. Granted, I'm not saying I want to be rich or anything even close, but I just want to be somewhat free of the agony of making constant sacrifices just to survive. I want to know that if my car breaks down everything will be fine and I will have a way to work the next day. I want to know that if it is a bad winter I do not have to fear having my gas or electricity turned off like it was when I was in high school. I just want something stable with room for a little adventure every once in a while. I realize the American dream is slightly a fable in today's world but I can't help but hope to find a little of it in my future. Is it so bad to want you dreams to come true? To find some form of a home and surround myself with animals, mainly dogs? Is it so bad to want to have parties and invite everyone I care about to them and have long conversations around the table until the sun rises? I may have to order the food or have people bring dishes, unless I actually learn to cook, but at least I will have to coolest napkin folds...

I don't know...I guess I'm just rambling and probably not making much sense but I just hope I do not have to spend my entire life completely money conscious and be able to allow for some fun without the guilt that always follows....

Fuck You! I'm Fine on my own!

So even my father showed up to Ryan's show. I guess I should be happy...at least he wants to be a dad to one of his kids....He can't do anything to benefit me though.

When will I matter? I guess I should just stop waiting...I've never really needed them anyways. It was just a life I wanted but could never have. I matter to Matt and some of my friends and I think thats all I really needed anyways. Those who are there for me are my real family. I am glad I at least have JR and Marcie who don't favor Ryan over me...they make a real effort to be a part of my life and help me out every time they get the opportunity to do so. I wish my mother would just see that actions speak a hell of a lot louder than words....

Currently listening to: Bitch by Meredith Brooks

Burning Vegas plays their show at the House of Blues tonight; making H.O.B. history as the first local band to ever do so! My brother and cousin really deserve this and I am so proud of the both of them! I wish I could be there but it just wasn't in the cards for me. Hopefully this will be their big break and I will be able to go to shows again someday. They will have a CD release party in December that I will be able to go to so thats exciting....my brother and my cousin releasing a CD; how awesome is that? Well I wish them the best of luck and I'm sure the show tonight will be amazing!

Yet, I wish my family cared as much about my passions as they do about my brothers. I realize that my dreams may not be that exciting and that they may not something they can relate to but they are important to me.....My mom has the time and money to visit Ryan's world but never mine. Oh well....I should just get used to it by now. Someday I will not be the black-sheep.

A New Road

Well now things are changing for me in a way that I did not plan for. I wish I cared more. I just want a masters degree and I cannot seem to find it in me to even care how I get it. Due to this mindset it makes sense to take, what will most likely be, the cheapest route and stay in state but I will keep other options open for now. I think U.C. is a good option because I do like the climate down here and the move wouldn't be a pain for me or the cat. Also, I'm not sure how much my car can take in terms of long distance travel anymore. I have a lot to weigh out and it will be a while before my mind is set on anything but I need to prioritize my plans. I am going to keep Cleveland State as a plan z for now well other options such as Wash U, Columbia, and NYU remain possible.

To be honest, I am just feeling greatly disappointed in myself. How did I miss this? How did something so crucial towards my future go unnoticed? I'm tired and I am feeling like I am doing more harm than good in many aspects of my life lately. My greatest fear is failing and yet a part of me feels like I am doing just that...failing at putting my future together. I truly do not even know what I want anymore. I just feel done and down trotted. I am discouraged that I don't allow myself to be proud of what I have accomplished and I am greedy with my own opportunities. I am not going to fall a part, yet I am not in the mood to skip towards the road I am heading down anymore...

Maybe this is all just a sign to push me in the right direction and I need to just look at it more optimistically. Maybe I am just suppose to stay in this state and use my abilities and my power to make this a better place; every individual counts. Or maybe I am suppose to turn my head back towards New York and not so easily push that aside. Maybe I am supposed to look at the top social work program in the universe with greater consideration. What if it was best that my options just narrowed so that I go where I am supposed to...fate could be real and it could be helping me see where I need to go. Who knows? In a few months this will all make sense and I am sure I will be writing about the future that will be decided. I've potentially been locked out of the door I want, but there are many more to choose from! I can't help but agree with Megan wholeheartedly, and wish that I just avoid growing up altogether....I don't feel ready to make these decisions....I just want to lay in bed and watch kids movies and be surrounded by puppies and Boo. Sounds perfect to me..........I can dream cant it?

BFFs...?

So I have been thinking lately and I just feel like I've lost my best friend. I don't really care to talk to her anymore and well I just don't know who she is anymore. Or maybe its that she is who she has always been and I have just done a lot of growing in the last few years and I do not see eye to eye with Meghan anymore. I adore Jay and I think he and I are closer than we have ever been but truly I don't know if he is really my best friend either. It may be lame to consider, but I just feel like I don't have a best friend, maybe I never really did. I just always wanted to be a best friend and have a best friend that I think I tried too hard to keep that title. Maybe after high school we aren't meant to have "best friends" anymore; just a lot of really good friends. I am glad that I have all my different friends in my life to go to for different things, but I can't help but wish I had that one friend that I could go to for anything and not feel uncomfortable or judged about it. For the most part I guess I do have Matt for most of it but I don't want to have to go to him for girl things, even though with two sisters he is always willing to listen to my girlie moments...

I guess I just wish that Meghan was different than she is and would just grow up a little bit. I am glad that she is unique and a free spirit in so many ways but not when I am potentially going to be relying on her for part of the rent next year.

I think I just feel kind of lost and scared lately....I am really not even sure why. My future is so bright but I am terrified of it. I wish I could live off the best moments in my life and ignore everything else...

So I guess I'm just human....I make mistakes.

I should probably stop being so hard on myself. I need to be ok with really fucking up sometimes; I just need to keep learning from it. Everything will end up fine in the end...it always does.

Plus I should really give myself more credit when it comes to my relationship with Matt. This after all is my first real attempt at one and it has always been long distance from the beginning. We were bound to have our bad days and for the most part they really are few and far between. Considering my usual trust issues with the male population I think I've done all right in this. Maybe its because there really is something there...something meaningful and potentially timeless. I try to downplay what we have because so many relationships fall apart and I feel like I don't always deserve this...but maybe I do and maybe we won't fall apart. And if we do...then it was just where life was suppose to take me. I really want to just go with the flow and let fate take its course with me. Granted I realize my actions always have consequences but still....what happens happens and so far things are going well.

What if this really is the real deal...I avoided thinking about that concept for so long but after two years is it a thought I should continue to avoid or perhaps take in a little at a time...? I'm glad he will be here tomorrow!

Maybe I shouldn't be with anyone anyways....I'm too broken....damaged goods.

Maybe I never really deserved someone like him....someone that never intentionally tries to hurt anyone. Why do I purposefully cause people pain; what's wrong with me?

Just like my father I drag those I love down with me. I'm an asshole...just like him.