Pain

Someday things will get better for my family, for my brother...

Now is just not that someday.


Eight long years of consistent family struggle; when we will earn a break?

I'm tired of being proud of my strength....when am I entitled to just fall apart instead of being the one to save everyone.

Maybe I will take up Matt's parents offer and move into the spare room...temporarily.

I know my brother needs me, again, but he needs to learn how to save himself for once. I had to always save myself....

I thought after a couple of days this anger would go away but its not. He needs to learn that he cannot keep hurting everyone.

Please God don't let my brother turn into his father.

Bored

I don't know what to do with myself right now. I am sleepy and I really want to go to bed but I am at work until 1:30 so that is not possible. I should be grateful that I am getting paid right now to sit here and play around on the internet since there are absolutely no dishes for me to do. I should try to finish the last ten pages I have of the Dr. Phil book but it is just so hard to motivate my eyes to go from word to word when the concepts are lacking in anything real or evident. The Dr. Phil fad is one that needs to fade moreso than the Twilight fad.

Well at least today is my last realy class day in my pointless capstone. Monday Alina and I will have our parenting guide finished and Wednesday we will our present them and that will be that for FSW 498. Thank God.

I am sincerely ready for this semester to be over. I dislike my two classes and I am feeling really burnt out by my practicum. I realize I should considering looking for a new placement next semester but I still feel like there is more to learn from this place and I would miss the residents; even though my supervisor is not the most inteligent role model for this profession. Maybe I just need to find a way to put more into it so I can get more out of it.

Winter break will be great and then next semester is going to be amazing! The only disappointing thing is that Matt is probably going to have his surgery two days before our official 2 year anniversary....awesome. It looks like we will be hanging out with his parents to celebrate the new year....

I've never been a fan of odd number years so I guess its appropriate...

Too cold for comfort

So I think I dislike winter, sincerely. Yet, I am pretty sure I would dislike living in an environment that was warm all year round and then got disgustingly hot during the summer. Basically I can't win unless I ever have enough money to have a vacation home that I can go to for the winter if I actually get to retire someday....which is a lot of ifs...? Well I guess I will just have to suck it up and hope that I can at the very least afford a fire place someday for my cardboard box.....

On a separate note I truly enjoyed my break at home; it was busy but in a good way. I am glad I got to see all of my cousins. I really miss Steven and Adam and I hope to get closer with them someday. Unfortunately things are still kind of awkward between Jen and I and I am not quite sure what to do about it anymore. Yet, on a more positive note I had a great time with my brother and in a way it is kind of cool sharing a room with him despite the mess. I love my brother dearly and I am so grateful for the person that he is right now and that he is trying to become.

All in all, it may be freezing outside but I am feeling warm.

Home

To be perfectly honest I feel like I couldn't be happier to be going home tomorrow. Lately I feel like I just can do no right around here. I feel like everything I say is taken the wrong way and people are jumping on me for the slightest mistake. I am also glad to be getting away from all of the hustle and bustle of this year for a few days. I am starting to really miss home and I am having trouble feeling like I belong here anymore. As I noted earlier this year, that may be a good thing as college begins to come to an end.

For the most part I like how my family is nowadays and it will be good to be around them. I love Thanksgiving and I feel like it is an underrated holiday, even though it is technically a lie in our history books. I like using this time to appreciate where my family came from and where we are today. We have been through so much together and we are closer because of it. Yes at times I hate what has happened with my father and that I am part of a broken family, but in the long run it has made most of us stronger and more appreciative of what we do have. I love being able to spend another holiday season with my Oma since I never know when it will be our last. I love seeing the little ones enjoy these days the way I used to. I love seeing the way my brother is finally growing up and turning into a person I can really respect. Yes these days are never perfect and things will most likely go wrong but I guess that is the fun part of life that we all need to learn to appreciate, especially myself....there is a lot of things I need to put in a new perspective.

I am also thrilled to spend part of the holidays with Matt's family again. This will be our third Thanksgiving together and its kind of exciting. Sometimes I am hard on him and hard on us as a couple but I really wouldn't have us any other way, except maybe a little closer together, and I enjoy falling in love with him a little bit more every time we are together. I cannot wait to go on our mini trip on Friday and just have some much needed alone time away from everything else. Away from those that are too involved and away from those that judge us and do not respect for what we have. Away from all the responsibilities that drive us everyday.

Tomorrow will be the beginning of a great couple of days!

Currently Listening to: Something Corporate-Space

New Days Bring New Hopes

Oh tomorrow is going to be such a good day....

:)

What should I do with a day that I do not HAVE to do anything...?

I suppose I should get ahead on somethings and I should really work on my applications again as time is slipping away faster than I could have imagined.

I guess I should be grateful that I work so much this weekend because not only will my paycheck be amazing but this weekend will fly and before I know it I will be home and surrounded by nonstop excitement.

I really hope to try and reconnect with Jen while I'm in town. I know she needs me and she has been trying to reach out to me again; I really appreciate that. I am so afraid of failing her...I hope that I can find some way of getting her to realize her true potential. She is the closest thing I have ever had to a kid sister and I need to do what I can to protect her from herself. I am going to go into this mission optimistic but aware that this may be a battle I will be facing for years to come. I just pray that she knows how much I love her and want to help her. I suppose I need to feel like I do have the power to make a difference and actually save someone. Maybe that is both selfish and selfless but I guess everything thing we do can be interpreted as both...


"Wish upon a star but
Do you know what stars are?
Balls of fire, burning up the black space
Falling from the landscape
Exploding in the face of God"

"Let's get crazy,
Talk about our big plans
Places that you're going
Places that I haven't been
Build my walls up
Concrete castle
Keep this kingdom free of hassle, yeah"

Cold

The wind is cold and snow flurries are cutting through the air just as they are expected to this time of year. The days are shorter as we are surrounded by darkness so much earlier than in the warmer seasons. I look forward to the long break away from studying and busy days, but I also know what goes hand and hand for me when the end of the year approaches. I feel my emotions beginning to react as the word alone, even utter in simple phrases, makes my inside shiver. I guess from October to January 1st I fight a battle, that gets easier each year, but is lying there beneath the surface nonetheless. I am just not capable of appreciating this time of year anymore. I will continue to take deep breaths and pretend everything is OK because no one wants to cry anymore after four years; four years....

How has it been four years without Wil? On December 19th I will go to the Burning Vegas show and celebrate their return and success of reinventing themselves, but there will be that quiet 18 year old girl wishing Wil will be just around the corner. December 28th, 2004 Burning Vegas played at Peabody's and that was the last time I saw him. Why didn't I hug him and tell him I missed him because it was what I was thinking in that moment. I didn't understand what had happened to us, but I figured we would have the rest of our lives to repair the broken pieces. Now I will be spending the rest of my life trying to repair a different set of broken pieces without him.

I wish my professor hadn't talked about someone hanging them self today.....People will never understand the images that come to my head when those words are placed together in a sentence.

I just want to make peace inside myself and after nearly four years I am still only making some progress. January will come and go and then I will be fine again.

Maybe I will get my tattoo over winter break. I hope that if I get it, it will feel like he's kind of with me again; in each step I will take, I will take it to honor his life.

Its cold for now but it always gets warm again eventually.

Letting my feelings wonder

I don't know why it should even surprise me or make me angry at this point, but my mother does not even know my address....? I mean I would give her some slack if I just moved here or something but this is the only place on campus that I have lived for two years and I just feel like if she was half as involved at she would like to think she is she would know it by now. I don't want this to ruin my amazing week, but I kind of feel like screaming about it. I just want to matter to my parents...is that so much to ask? I just wish all of my accomplishments counted for something...I wish I wasn't constantly waiting for a day that will never come. I know that I have done all of this for myself because I wanted a different life, but I just would like it if it was more than just a token to brag for my parents. What does family mean anymore anyways? Is it just about loving those that are conveniently distanced from yourself? I'm too far away so therefore its not worth the effort...You think by now I would learn to be numb to these emotions. Why does it always hurt so much...will I ever find anything to fill in these gaps that my parents have created for me? I wish I could talk to someone about it but I'm pretty sure everyone is tired of me saying anything and no one seems to really understand anyways. I guess we are all really just alone in this world, but maybe that is why we are all so unique. Maybe I try to love so hard because I don't feel loved enough? Maybe I want to save the world, or at least some individuals, because really I have always wanted someone to save me from my life and myself? Maybe I will never be done searching for answers to why I am here and why I don't matter to those that brought me here, but I will keep looking for constructive ways to coop with it.

In class yesterday the debate topic was how divorce has long-term negative affects on children. Some of which I do not agree with, such as being more likely to have a poor academic career, but some of it I cannot help but be inclined to believe in. I am destined to have emotional, trust and relationship issues? I guess research cannot give me all the definite answers to my own life and I should not sit around and blame others for my own problems, but should I ignore something that reveals that I am a product of a situation? I don't know...I'm just annoyed. Maybe I am just really over thinking all of this...yet I kind of feel unimportant. Every once in while I cannot contain the teenager that still lives deep inside of me that wants to runaway and make my family feel guilty for their treatment of me....but apparently it just backfired and I gave them a reason to care even less. Is it so bad that I just want to feel needed by them?

I need more. Something is missing in my life and I can't seem to figure out how fix it. I feel like I need some form of rush or high to feel really alive again. Maybe I should get my tattoo with my loan money or go sky diving. Maybe I should just try pot for the first time lol....probably not the best idea but I'm trying. When I have days like this I can't help but think it should have been me instead of Wil because he always mattered so much to my Aunt Sue....I know thats unfair to say but the thought is always hiding deep inside of me and sometimes it feels better just to write it out. I hate that he left when he was the one person that always knew exactly how I felt without me saying a word. I just wish I could have appreciated the one year that I had a "Daddy" more so than I did...I wish the anger and pain would not prevent me from remembering it the way it does.

Arggghh...I need to cut this out. I have had the best week ever and I just need to focus on that. I am loved.